Reality TV Stars Win 1st NFL game in a REALLY Long Time

           For the better part of two years, when an NFL player takes a knee it’s been plastered all over social media, mass media and everywhere in between. Kneeling garners anger, praise, vitriol, and support. But, on September 20, 2018, in Cleveland, inside FirstEnergy Stadium, it signaled the end of 635 days in purgatory for the long suffering football fans of Cleveland, Ohio. 

            The Cleveland Browns (NOT the real ones, they play in Baltimore now) FINALLY WON A GAME! (Snapping a 19-game winless streak…because they tied two weeks ago and a tie isn’t a win or a loss and if you think it’s, “like kissing your sister” you probably shouldn’t say that out loud to anyone.…. that dates back to 12/24/16 when they defeated the Chargers). 

"I hate shirts!"

            Even Cleveland Cavalier, JR Smith, THE MAN WHO DIDN’T KNOW THE SCORE OF GAME 1 OF THE 2018 NBA FINALS AT THE MOST CRITICAL MOMENT….A GAME HE WAS ACTUALLY PLAYING IN…knew the Browns had won and the magnitude of the victory, thus leading him to remove his shirt…as he customarily does when in celebration. 

Johnny Canadian Football 

            After falling behind by 14 points to the New York Jets Thursday night, Browns starting quarterback, Tyrod Taylor, was knocked out of the game with a concussion and in came Cleveland’s Heisman Trophy winning QB. No, not that one..he’s north of the border now….The rookie signal caller who played his college ball at Oklahoma, Baker Mayfield. The 23-year-old went 17 of 23 for 201 yards with a 100.1 passer rating, even catching a two-point conversion. (If only the National Football League could make up a unique stat for Mayfield, like Major League Baseball did with WAR for Mike Trout so everyone would know he is really good, because the eyeball test isn’t sufficient.)

            While the city waits for the inevitable Indians (the baseball team, otherwise I’d have said Indigenous People, so no need to call your local state representative!) October flameout, it celebrated accordingly last night. Evoking memories of the last great celebration in the City, which came in 2016 when the Cleveland Cavaliers won the NBA Finals after falling behind 3-1, culminating in a Game 7 victory over the Golden State Warriors. 

 Monstars in Five Games
coming soon to a theater near you!

            Sure you could credit the Browns win to former Cavalier, Miami Heat, Cavalier again and now Los Angeles Laker, Lebron James (because it appears everything revolves around the newest star of the unwanted by any true fan of the original Space Jam sequel..) OR the Thursday Color Rush Jerseys (Cleveland hasn’t lost while wearing them this season) OR the departure of putrid kicker, Zane Gonzalez..OR perhaps head Coach Hue Jackson who improved to (2-31-1)! If Cleveland is anything like their Buckeye State Neighbor and AFC counterpart, the Cincinnati Bengals, are with their head coach, Marvin Lewis, Jackson should have a five-year extension sitting on his desk this morning…

            But, even if you were concussed or watching Kanye West Instagram stories (that seems like an oxymoron) it’s clear, Mayfield was the difference.

New King of Cleveland

            Number 6 is undefeated in his last two games in Ohio, planting the flag at midfield in the Horseshoe after beating Ohio State last year, and taking down New York on Thursday night in primetime.

            Now though, Mayfield and his band of reality TV Stars (HBO Hard Knocks) face their greatest challenge yet, with one last dragon to slay.

            Winning a Super Bowl? No.

            Playoffs?! That’s Fake News.

            Winning on Sunday!!!

            Cleveland hasn’t done that since earning a victory over the San Francisco 49ers on 12/13/15.

            Baby steps though, for now…here’s to the Cleveland Browns! America’s Team!

one L of a ride

More than 24 hours since the Los Angeles Rams did the unthinkable, the smog settles and the traffic piles up (a regular Tuesday) in Los Angeles, but I remain in disbelief.

On the cusp of history, the organization that left the landlocked cold winters of St. Louis for the beaches and Botox of LA fired head coach Jeff Fisher on Monday.

No one will ever rock lady shades better

Tom Landry had the hat, Jon Gruden had the grimace, Bill Walsh had Joe Montana, John Madden had foot fungus commercials, and Fisher had his mustache and ladies sunglasses. With one more loss, the Culver City native would have had a piece of NFL history as well.

Following Sunday’s 42-14 blowout loss at “home” to the Atlanta Falcons, Fisher tied Dan Reeves for the most regular season losses by an NFL head coach (165). It took Reeves 357 games, while the man in the lady shades needed just 339 attempts. If we learned anything this year, it was that Rams ownership is heartless. Prying the team from its beloved fans in St. Louis, and moving it to Los Angeles so Angelinos could attend four games a year and give away their tickets for the remaining four. Why now, would anyone think after offering Fisher an extension just 8 days earlier it would let him join the ranks of the immortals?

My feet itched, and then they didn't. Boom!

He was 31-45-1 calling the shots for the Rams, missing the playoffs every year. In 22 seasons as a head coach, Jeff has just six winning seasons (all with the Titans) and one Super Bowl appearance. And get this…it was a loss…shocking….to the St. Louis Rams. Upon moving to Los Angeles, Fisher alienated Rams legend, Eric Dickerson, causing a protest by the Hall of Famer. The former head coach played quarterback musical chairs and it seemed like he had the record all but wrapped up. This was YEARS in the making.

 Not Norv Turner, not Marvin Lewis, not Marty Schottenheimer (with all those letters amazing not an L since he has so many as a coach), not Lovie Smith, BUT Jeff Fisher!! To top all of those men as THE BIGGEST LOSER IN NFL HISTORY…. that’s the stuff dreams are made of! Bill Belichick could go 0-16 with inflated or deflated balls for six straight season and still have a higher winning percentage than Fisher. (I’m guessing Jeff still wouldn’t know half the players on the Pats roster).

I mustache you a question...

Sadly, it’s not to be. Instead the Rams will hire Gruden or tempt Jim Harbaugh to leave college (again) with an intensity not known to mankind of course. While either of those hires might take time, the Rams will play this Thursday against the Seattle Seahawks and finish the season with a losing record to the surprise of 17 people. Meanwhile, Fisher will remain tied with Reeves. So close to history he can see it through his tinted shades and taste the champagne on his mustache without a coaching job in sight. Sure he’ll make seven million dollars (you read that correctly) this year and get three games off, but that record means more. His chances of attaining the mark seem slim, but there is one last glimmer of hope for the former 7^th round draft pick….

A match made in heaven.....

Back Where they Started! (Assuming Cleveland doesn't want them)

 January 12^th 2016, a proud day for Angelinos everywhere! Our football team is officially coming home!!

Ahh, the good old days

 After hours of celebrating in the streets, looting, breaking into cars, and shooting off our guns like the Lakers won another Championship (lord knows that’s not happening for awhile) it’s back to work.

  As Americans anticipate tonight’s $1.5 billion lottery numbers, we in LA learned our magic numbers will now be 6-10, and 7-9 every fall! That’s of course because slimeball  entrepreneur Stan Kroenke convinced the NFL (30-2 vote) that the St. Louis Rams should be back in Los Angeles.

Likes Palm Trees more than the Arch

  The $6.3 billion, Columbia Missouri native owns parts of the Colorado Avalanche, Denver Nuggets, Colorado Mammoth (they play something), Colorado Rapids (soccer, definitely soccer) and now LOS ANGELES Rams.

 While we in Los Angeles could truly care less about him or his mustache, many Missourians feel betrayed and knifed by their native son. They should channel that misplaced anger though…

Georgia Frontiere and her witchcraft 

  
 St. Louis is that friend who takes your Tupperware (Rams for purposes of my point) because they enjoyed the pasta primavera (football) and just never return it. Los Angeles needed that Tupperware back eventually.

Or better yet…a witch, with 6 former husbands swooped in and stole our Rams…so if you think about it St. Louis…the team was never really “yours”…it was actually Cleveland’s first. (1936–1942, 1944-1945) I’m guessing the Cleveland Rams wouldn’t have possibly been more useless then the current Browns.

LA's old Fearsome Foursome

  
 48 years in LA trumps 20 in the, “Show me State”. Sure the St. Louis Rams played in two Super Bowls, winning one on the goal line, and having practices video taped in another, but the Fearsome Foursome would have beaten the Greatest Show on turf..(they’d all lose to the 1995-1996 Bulls of course).

LA's current Fearsome Foursome

  The point is, you can probably get the Chargers, Raiders or an expansion team if you want! (Please take the Chargers, Los Angeles already has Bieber and the Kardashians we don’t need more trash.)
 
  We will love watching Nick Foles, and Case Keenum sling it around! Or Howie Long’s kid and King Leonidas (wait not the guy from 300?)   James Laurinaitis chase the quarterback! A new stadium in Inglewood after playing at the Coliseum again and other nonsense aside, if the Rams hope to be sustainable in Los Angeles they must do two things.

 1.) Avoid witches (see above)

 2.) Win games

Coached Titans to a Rams Super Bowl!

#2 has proven challenging for the Rams current head coach, Jeff Fisher, who hasn’t been relevant since he was wearing lady's sunglasses with his surly demeanor patrolling the Titans sideline with Steve McNair as his quarterback. 

 There is one alternative to success though. LALA Land is built on the tears of failed actors, models and botched plastic surgery, so if the Rams can’t win, they must find a way to be compelling. And I have just the answer..

Johnny. Hollywood.