MLB Second Half Surprises

   With a 5-1 victory last night in the 82nd installment of the Major League Baseball All Star Game, the National League secured home field advantage in the World Series because that seems to be the only way to prevent ties…. But thanks to Bud Selig we won’t have to worry about the World Series till Thanksgiving.
   Instead, it’s time to look toward the second half of the MLB season, and what fans can expect from the guys with the bats, balls and gloves….

New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter will take the rest of the regular season off citing physical, mental and emotional fatigue…(and who could blame him for spending more time with Minka Kelly)

"I am your father." Ugh..wrong movie..

New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez will take the rest of the regular season off citing physical, mental and emotional fatigue because Jeter did it...

Arnold Schwarzenegger will admit he fathered a son on October 16, 1992…and named him…Bryce Harper…

Roger Clemens will win 20 games in the State Penitentiary League…
San Francisco Giants closer Brian Wilson’s beard will become a fire hazard…and save 10 games…

Jealous of all the attention Philadelphia Phillies pitchers, Cole Hamels, Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay and Roy Oswalt receive…the rest of the Phillies roster goes on strike.

The Houston Astros try to rename the franchise “Los Angeles Clippers”, in an attempt to explain why they keep losing.

Broke Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt won’t have the money to pay the electric bill, forcing the Dodgers to play all home games during the day…(which could save him some money on security..)

Toronto Blue Jays OF and MLB HR leader, Jose Bautista, “Won’t want to talk about the past.” And where have we heard that before…

Arizona Senator John Mccain will deport all players of Latin origin from the Arizona Diamondbacks…forcing the Dbacks to forfeit the remainder of their games.

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim become the Anaheim Angels..again, leading the Rally Monkey to seek therapy for an identity crisis..

Colorado Rockies Manager Jim Tracy is seen drinking a Bud Light and immediately fired…(see Coors Field)

Major League Baseball Hitters will lockout the pitchers in hopes Robinson Cano’s dad will have to pitch to them..(see HR Derby)

The Pittsburgh Pirates will realize they ARE NOT the 1927 Yankees, and are actually the Pittsburgh Pirates.


The Chicago Cubs know they are the Chicago Cubs..and that’s insulting enough.

Oakland A’s GM Billy Beane asks Jennifer Aniston to marry him…(see MoneyBall and Brad Pitt)

Minnesota Twins DH Jim Thome will hit career HR # 600, and then testify in front of Congress.

Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will learn to speak English..(okay he won’t, but I’m rooting for him!)

The Kansas City Royals try and drown themselves in the fountain at Kauffman Stadium..but are unsuccessful at that as well.

A locked out LeBron James will take his talents to Cleveland in October for a playoff push, and the Cleveland Indians will turn him down…“WE SAW THE 2011 NBA FINALS..NO THANKS! (Font courtesy of Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert.)



Heath Bell at the 2011 All Star Game

 San Diego Padres closer Heath Bell will do a remix of former Charger RB LaDanian Tomlinson’s hit youtube video“Electric Slide”
St. Louis Cardinals LF Matt Holliday loses a fly ball due to a distraction in right field, “I swear I saw Elvis.” (see Cardinals RF Lance Berkman)

The Tampa Bay Rays will move to Montreal after a border war erupts between Tampa and St. Pete…while CF B.J. Upton still won’t care..about anything.

Former Cincinnati Reds great Pete Rose is quoted, “If I played for these Reds, I never would have bet on baseball, EVER!”

The Atlanta Braves take retired manager Bobby Cox’ car keys away, because he keeps showing up at the ballpark claiming he’s the Braves manager.

The Milwaukee Brewers trade two beers and a bratwurst to be named later to the New York Mets for closer Francisco Rodriguez….and the Mets accept!

Baltimore Orioles OF Adam Jones is arrested…just because everyone named Adam Jones seems to get arrested nowadays..(see Adam Pacman Jones)

The Boston Red Sox win the 2011 World series, forcing Jimmy Fallon and Ben Affleck to make another movie.(making everyone else with eyes and ears the loser)

A Ringing Headache

The most coveted ring in Texas was returned to its rightful owner yesterday near Houston. A Super Bowl ring you ask?...No way..I said Texas, what teams in Texas do you know of that have won any Super Bowls lately?

However, the ring did belong to a member of the Dallas Cowboys, wide receiver Roy Williams. Although the Cowboys and Williams in particular had a disappointing 2010 season, the former Longhorn made the most expensive reception of his life yesterday in Houston.  A $76,000 reception to be precise, let me explain..

Roy Williams, pre-breakup 

Williams is not dating or engaged to a Kardashian, explaining why he hasn’t won a championship…but he had been dating a former Miss Texas, Brooke Daniels, for close to a year. In February Williams had some free time on his hands (see Dallas Cowboys) and Brooke had some extra space on hers. So, Roy decided that marriage was the only reasonable thing to do. And like most guys, he wanted the moment to be right when he proposed.

After selecting a $76,000 ring (somewhere Kris Humphries-Kardashian is laughing and crying.) he brainstormed the best way to pop the question.

Ring in the champagne or dessert? Nah, way over done. Carriage ride, mariachi band and stroll in the park? He went to Texas, so he doesn’t like carriages or wagons (see rival Oklahoma Sooners mascot). Stadium proposal on the big screen? Former Texas QB Colt McCoy already did that.

Williams was clueless, and isn’t that what got former Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips fired? But then it him!

After recording a marriage proposal, he grabbed a manila envelope and a postage stamp (amazed at how high the cost of postage is in this country) Williams dropped the recording and the $76,000 RING IN THE PACKAGE and MAILED THEM to Daniels, days before Valentine’s Day.

SURPRISINGLY…Daniels didn’t appreciate Cassanova’s effort and declined his proposal, leading to a messy break up.  Daniels promised she would mail the ring back to Williams…what she forgot to mention is she would have FEMA mail it back for her…
After months of waiting for his wedding ring, Williams recently filed a lawsuit against the beauty queen claiming she had stolen his ring. (Roger Clemens thinks this case is a waste of tax payer dollars…)
Thankfully Daniels' mother stepped in and tells reporters that the ring was returned to Williams’ attorney yesterday.
The lovely couple aside, this whole ordeal could have been avoided if Roy wasn’t living in the 19th century.
MAILING A RING? WHO MAILS ANYTHING NOWADAYS?

Brooke Daniels, not a fan of US Mail

That’s like using a fax, or carrying a pager…Williams could have written on Brooke’s facebook wall, or if he wanted to keep it private, sent her a message. And added a :) at the end. The two of them could change their relationship statuses to engaged and all would have been well.

Maybe Brooke and Roy think facebook is outdated, okay then use Twitter…(not MySpace, sorry Justin Timberlake)
@RoyWilliams11: @BrookeDaniels “Roses are red violets are blue, I want to spend the rest of my life with you..” #willyoumarryme?
How could that fail? Instead Roy must pick up the pieces of his shattered relationship and wait for the NFL lockout to end. On the bright side though, when the 2011 season concludes (assuming it happens) he will finish it with a ring…

A New Chapter

  With his team’s disgraceful demise on Sunday in Dallas…(see Andrew Bynum’s shoulder and Lamar Kardashian) and many saying that he has coached his final NBA game, rumors have already started to swirl that legendary coach Phil Jackson (11 titles as a coach, 2 as a player) has another book in the works.

   I know what you’re thinking. How could a new book possibly equal or surpass the success of his previous two, “The Last Season: A Team in Search of Its Soul.” 2004 & "Journey to The Ring” 2010.

   In the 2004 installment, “The Zen Master” claimed his star guard, Kobe Bryant, was “uncoachable.” And  a year later…came back to coach him.

   But, credibility aside…talk of a new book begs the question...What will Phillip call the book? That remains to be seen, but here are a few suggestions for the chapter titles...

Chapter 1: “The Greatest of All Time” Not a chapter about Luke Walton

Chapter 2: “Being 2nd best is still better than being Bill Wennington” A closer look at Scottie Pippen

Pacifiers not pictured..

Chapter 3: “Super Nanny” Coaching Shaq & Kobe

Chapter 4: “I’m sure the NBA will fine me for this Chapter”

Chapter 5: “The Triangle” Kobe’s wife, Pau Gasol, Pau Gasol’s fiancée

Chapter 6: “The Biggest Loser” An Ode to Andrew Bynum

Chapter 7: “Becoming famous by marrying a woman famous for being related to a woman who made a porn video” A Lamar Odom Story

I Owe Yousss...

   Megan Fox, Britney Spears, Winona Ryder Lindsay Lohan, Uncle Leo from Seinfeld, and Mike Leake..

   Okay, there is a major drop off in name recognition and google image hits for the last two names, but these six people have one thing in common…All have been accused of shoplifting. Uncle Leo, stole a book from a library and was a sitcom character so I’ll give him a pass…but the actions of the remaining five leave me as dumbfounded as Dodgers “owner”, Frank McCourt…

G-rated picture of Megan Fox

   While Megan Fox continues to steal hearts, she learned the friendliest thing at Wal-Mart is the greeter. That's right, Megan Fox is banned from all Wal-Marts forever, just like your cousin.

   After stealing a $7 tube of lip gloss from a Florida branch in her troubled teenage years (and how many guys wish they knew her then), Fox was banned from ever stepping foot into their stores again.

Upon further review….she gets a pass.
   Kevin Federline’s old main squeeze, Britney Spears, has been rushed out of a store without paying for a $200 top (she was wearing it), swiped a disposable lighter from a gas station on her way out and took off with a wig from a sex shop once. Tough to blame her for the last one, she didn't have any hair…still though NO pass..
   Lindsay Lohan is in the news enough, and I’m tired of talking about her…..so
   Winona Ryder is a stone cold criminal after being arrested in 2001 for shoplifting more than $5,000 of merchandise from Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills. Winona was sentenced to three years probation and 480 hours of community service.
   All of this leads me to Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake. The right hander was arrested and accused of shoplifting last week. Employees at an area Macy's claim he stole almost $60 in property.

Now turn to your right...

   One local report suggests the incident might have been a botched exchange of merchandise. Leake released a statement after his arrest, apologizing "for this distraction." He declined to talk about the details after his Thursday start. There’s also, no truth to the report that the home plate umpire asked Leake to return the resin bag to the mound after his start….

   Here’s what makes the story so MIND BOGGLING…Leake was a first round pick in 2009 (8th overall) and received a $2,270,000 signing bonus. And on April ll, 2010 signed a Signed 1-year, $400,000 contract with the Reds and will earn $425,000 this year.. For those without a calculator let me do the math…
  
   $2,270,000 + $400,000 + $25,000 = a lot of stuff from Macys.

So why the five finger discount?
   According to the National Association for Shoplifting Prevention: One in 11 people commit the crime, 75 percent are adults, and one-third commit the crime habitually (more than once a month).Very few shoplift for profit -- about three percent, according to those NASP statistics. Instead, many shoplift for the thrill one feels when he or she conceals the item, walks through the door, turns around, and sees nobody pursuing.
   But this isn’t even the most puzzling case of a kleptomaniac athlete.
   Jennifer Capriati is a former World No. 1 professional tennis player, but not much of a shoplifter.
   In 1993, she was caught shoplifting jewelry at a suburban Tampa, Florida shopping mall. After trying on a number of inexpensive rings at a kiosk, Capriati left without taking off at least one of them. The ring was worth $15.!!!!!
   So I’m left asking the same question I started with. “What’s Megan Fox’s number”..errr I mean why do the rich engage in petty theft? Surely they can afford virtually anything. And maybe Leake is innocent, either way I’m going to need to get my hands on one of these shirts…after I swipe my credit card of course…

Clever....

sNOw CLUE

   Whether you deliver news or sports as part of a professional media organization or just for fun, there are a few basic principles.
Writers must adhere to the correct style guidelines of their publications.

   Bloggers…usually don’t.

National and local broadcasters must look professional on air.

   Those on public access television or podcasts…usually don’t.

John Steigerwald

But, no matter one’s level of experience or status one must always, CHECK THEIR FACTS!

   The 5 W’s and H…and no that’s not another animal rights group.

Who, What, When, Where, Why, How?

   This brings me to former Pittsburgh sports anchor and current writer for the Observer Reporter, John Steigerwald.  Today (When), Steigerwald (Who) wrote a column (what) on observer-reporter.com (where) claiming that it was San Francisco Giants fan, “Bryan Snow of Sacramento’s fault he was beaten into a medically induced coma.” (I still have no idea How or Why this was published, considering this never happened.) 

   Bryan Snow of Sacramento wasn’t beaten up following the Giants 2-1 Opening Day loss in Los Angeles. Bryan STOW of SANTA CRUZ was.

   One time is BAD, given that this story has been in the news for almost two weeks and “The Bryan Stow Fund” has been on every press release.  Steigerwald (who I could refer to as Jones given how important he believes last names are to a story) calls STOW, “Snow” five times in the,“article.”

And that’s not what people found most offensive about this, “article.”

   Steigerwald believes it was “Snow’s fault” (STOW) he was beaten up because a 42-year- old man has no right to wear a team’s jersey.  He must behave like an adult and not a kid.  Then, to wear the opposing team’s jersey to a rivalry game was just asking for it.

   I think Steigerwald is trying to say that die hard fans with jerseys and face paint contribute to violence at stadiums, which is true. (I don’t want to put words in his mouth because he can’t seem to put them on paper) But, his assertion that by wearing a Giants jersey, “Snow” STOW should have seen this coming (Ironic given he was sucker punched in the dark from behind) is blasphemous.
   The Dodgers needed security in the parking lot, better lighting, or stopping the sale of beer earlier in the game are all viable solutions.  But, the fan shouldn’t have worn the jersey…Really? This is still America right? Where there’s that whole freedom of speech thing.  How about fans just need to learn to control themselves, have fun and realize the game ends on the field…not in the parking lot.  The two men that attacked Stow remain at large (and by all accounts weren’t even baseball fans), while Stow wears a hospital gown and lays in a Los Angeles hospital in a medically induced coma, after having part of his skull removed to allow for the swelling of his brain.  So, it looks like Steigerwald may get his wish.  Because it doesn’t seem likely this 42-year-old paramedic from SANTA CRUZ and father of two will be slipping on a Giants jersey any time soon.

Bryan Stow with his kids

The Lake NO Show

   It’s the question on every Angelino’s mind, “How much higher will gas prices go?”
Okay, maybe it’s the second question on some Angelinos’ minds... “What’s wrong with the Lakers?”

Lakers this season

   After winning 17 of its first 18 games after the All-Star Break, Los Angeles has dropped five straight games. (The longest losing streak for Kobe & Co. since dropping seven straight, during the 06-07 season...or the pre- Pau Gasol era) This Lakers team has been about as schizophrenic as Jim Carrey in Me, Myself & Irene.

   Blowing out Western Conference powers like Dallas and San Antonio, but losing to the likes of Utah (minus Coach, Jerry Sloan and point guard, Deron Williams) and the CLEVELAND CAVALIERS (that’s how Cavs owner Dan Gilbert spells it).

   So, with two games remaining before the NBA postseason begins and the Lakers tied with Dallas for the West’s two seed and Oklahoma City a game behind both of them at four, things are a bit dicey in "Laker Land".  Ron Artest is a liability once again...Mr Kardashian (Lamar Odom) needs to stop making reality shows, reserve Shannon Brown is the scape goat, Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol are perplexed by the concept of offense and Matt Barnes may have too many tattoos.

Sulking? Crying? Wiping sweat from eyes?

   However, you don't hear too many negative things about old number 24..The Black Mamba or Kobe Bryant as he’s known by the IRS (taxes this Friday don’t forget..) as he consistently posts 10-25 shooting nights. “Kobe is just trying to get us back in the game.” Sure he scored L.A.’s last 14 points of the first half in Portland, but he also went 10-25…go figure…in the 93-86 loss.

   But, to finger point this late in the season would be suicidal…just ask the Boston Celtics…Sure Kobe is mad and sulks in the training room, interviews and anywhere else he can…But the glaring problem seems to be TO…No 49ers, Eagles, Cowboys, Bills and Bengals fans not that T.O. , but TO or turnovers.

   Prior to Sunday’s game, the Lakers were averaging 18.3 turnovers per game in their previous four losses. (20 turnovers against Denver, 19 against Utah, 17 against Golden State and 17 against Portland)

   Sunday versus the Thunder, it looked like the Lakers had figured things out. Through three quarters, L.A. committed only one turnover, but managed and eye popping NINE in the final 12 minutes. There’s less turnover at the post office…

   In the final three minutes, Kobe had a bad pass for a turnover, stepped out of bounds with the ball and lost the ball another time. (According to Bryant, all a result of good defense.) Despite the sloppy fourth the Lakers won the turnover battle 10 to 13 but lost the game, 120-106.

   Most baffling though, is that Laker fans seem distressed about this losing streak, and feel a third straight parade through Downtown L.A. is about as likely as a sequel to Gigli. If the Lakers don’t three-peat and there isn’t a parade…just imagine all the money Angelino’s would save on gas…



Please Mr. Jennifer Garner, NO SEQUEL!!!!



An Imperfect End

So how did that Kansas versus Ohio State matchup work out for ya?



Andre Rison's house thanks to his girlfriend

  Okay, so your bracket was torched quicker than former NFL wideout, Andre Rison’s house (see the late Lisa “Left Eye" Lopes).

  But wasn’t the whole Butler, VCU, UConn, Florida State, Morehead State thing fun?

   At first yes, but when the highest seed in the Final Four is a three and then Butler shoots 18.8% from the field in a 53-41 loss (worst shooting percentage in title game history) it leaves fans wanting more.

I’d watch Kansas play Ohio State or Duke right now despite what VCU, Kentucky and Arizona did to each of those teams.

Gary Busey..being Gary Busey

  

   Just because Butler’s offense was more clueless than Gary Busey doing the New York Times crossword puzzle, that doesn’t mean UConn shouldn’t be celebrated. The Huskies won 11 straight games in 27 nights and became the third team to start the season unranked and win the National Championship.

  
   But rather than run down the stats, and how amazing junior guard, Kemba Walker, is (not so good in the Title Game though, but he didn’t need to be..see 18.8%) the question remains, “is the tournament diluted by too many teams?”

Expanding the field by four teams didn’t seem like a big deal, but when one of those teams makes the Final Four…how do they say it in the twitter world…#OOPS
   So now, the six people that support the BCS have backed away from their computers and are standing on top of their desks yelling that this is a prime example of why the BCS WORKS! They argue that there has never been a national championship performance as horrific as last night’s Butler vs. UConn game during the BCS era…
Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush, Jason White and Adrian Peterson would beg to differ…
(2005 Orange Bowl USC 55 OU 19)
   Sports, like life and the late Elizabeth Taylor’s marriages, aren’t perfect. Does college football need a playoff? In my opinion, yes. Does the BCS work? Like Randy Moss’ marijuana habits (his words here) Once in a blue moon…If the NCAA had a playoff with 8-10 teams, essentially you would have the elite teams going head to head. Currently too much weight is placed on what voters think of a team before said team plays a game. (“The” Ohio State every season)
    And college basketball may have too many teams in the tournament, but I believe this year’s debacle was based on a lack of a true dominant team and players. (Yes Ohio State and Kansas entered the tourney with 32-2 records, but a six man rotation and a Bill Self team??) 18.8% or otherwise, arguably the best player in the nation is holding the trophy on April 5th…and no BYU fans his name is not Jimmer…


Kemba Walker celebrates a 53-41 win over Butler