The Every MANning

I’m not big on pop quizzes, but quick…what do former Colts quarterback and 9% of Americans have in common? 

  
 An annoying little brother? No.. A number of hilarious commercials and Saturday Night Live Appearances…hardly…Like 9 % of Americans..Peyton is unemployed….After all you can’t spell unEmPlOYmENT without PEYTON..

Not going to see this EVER AGAIN...

   We’ve all been there…working 14 years at the same job…Doing everything your boss asks and more. Then you strain your neck refilling the water cooler. You can’t work, you can barely move. So, you miss some time…and while you’re gone, two younger guys, who do your job (better than you according to some people) are at your office, interviewing for your position. So, what do you do? The sensible thing of course…Gingerly march (don’t forget the neck injury) into the bosses office and ask him for a $28 million bonus…and he has the nerve to fire you.

The new guys...

Can you believe that guy!?

 Now you’re forced to stand in front of the office, with your boss…and tell coworkers how much you loved working with them and will miss them. Then you start to cry…because Johnson from accounting is taking your corner office, and Smith has your parking spot...

  While Peyton Manning’s goodbye to the Colts seemed extremely heartfelt and emotional, let me remind the world…He did not die…The musical montages of his Colts career highlights are unnecessary and excessive.  And I’m sure the Production Assistant who put it together and hasn’t slept in four days looking for every” iso”, or “back endzone angle” feels the same way.

FIBBER.!!!!

Sure, an NFL Legend will dawn new threads, if he doesn’t retire, and he says he won’t. But legendary QB’s have been known to fib about retirement….

  Unlike John Elway, Jim Kelly, Dan  Marino, and Steve Young…Peyton will sign with a new team as a free agent.  And Peyton is known as a guy who loves to watch film and prepare.  But, he’s said free agency is all new to him…But here’s to hoping he doesn’t watch any film from, “The Decision”.

Just Because....

  And maybe…just maybe…if we’re lucky…the Broncos will sign him, and he can put an end to TebowMania…for now.

  But, if we never see Peyton again…he can always get a career…at a deli....”CUTTING THAT MEAT.”   

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blog are exclusively those of this author and do not represent the thoughts or opinions nor are they condoned by anyone employed by or associated with KAGS or any of its affiliates.

Take your pick...

Super Cut...a Pats story

Now that Super Bowl XLVI is over and people outside of New York and Massachusetts can come out of hiding and slowly turn their televisions back on…it’s time to examine the most interesting story from Giants vs Pats II..

Broadcasters discovering and reminding the American public that you can’t spell elite without Eli…no.  A good portion of the country can read, and spell. Go figure…

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick looking mortal (3-2 in Super Bowl’s) No. Brady looks like a male model and Bill looks like an angry homeless person..still.

The story actually came before the Giants 21-17 victory on Sunday night. It happened the night before. That’s when the Pats cut little known and used wide receiver, Tiquan Underwood.  Underwood might be most recognizable for his performance at this year’s Super Bowl Media Day. The journeyman pass catcher caught rave reviews for his personality and tall hair. He actually had a barber carve the Patriots' logo into the back of his hairdo. (And who wouldn’t want that..?)

That's fresh...

So, why cut him? New England not a fan of the new do?

Officially, the Patriots wanted another defensive lineman for the active roster. So when they released Underwood, they also announced that they had signed defensive lineman Alex Silvestro from the practice squad.

Insert inaudible mumbling here...

And if you’re saying who’s Alex Silvestro…you’re not alone. The most famous Silvestro I know stopped making “Rocky” movies years ago.. Only two New England defenders didn't get onto the field Sunday night, and Silvestro was one of them.

The timing is also curious…New England said Underwood could keep his Super Bowl bonus, but waited till Saturday night to release him. Most likely to prevent the Giants from claiming Underwood on waivers and using his knowledge against New England.

Good thing Underwood wasn’t excited about the game or anything..More deflating than Kirstie Alley on Dancing with the Stars.

But knowing what a genius Bill Belichick is…I assume he must have had a good reason to release the Rutgers Scarlet Knight.

And here are a few of my guesses…

Tiquan dropped and subsequently BROKE the video camera (see SpyGate)

Tom Brady found Tiquan’s shoes at Gisele’s place..

Tom Brady’s hair felt threatened…concerned Underwood had the prettiest locks on the team..

Tiquan stepped on Rob Gronkowski's ankle..

Tiquan asked to be cut so he could watch the commercials in their entirety…

NOT Tiquan Underwood, but he is on Twitter..

The Pats thought he was Chad Ochocinco..

Tiquan stole the batteries to the video camera (see SpyGate..again)

Tiquan wanted to perform with Madonna at halftime instead.

Underwood accused Wes Welker of having butterfingers..

Tiquan feared he would miss the beginning of NBC’s, “The Voice” if he played in the game.

Underwood was caught “Tebowing”…

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blog are exclusively those of this author and do not represent the thoughts or opinions nor are they condoned by anyone employed by or associated with KAGS or any of its affiliates.

Chris with a K

   Usually when someone loses between 120 and 160 pounds, they are praised, congratulated, or the winner of NBC’s, “The Biggest Loser”. But that hasn’t been the case for  Nets forward, Kris Humphries…He’s been vilified.

   If you still haven’t connected the dots…Kim Kardashian is the 120 to 160 pounds he lost.  And if you don’t know who Kim Kardashian is..a simple google search will do.  (If you’re under  18 you may want to click the safe search option).

Happier Days...

   The 26-year-old Humphries and his one-time bride; met, fell in love, had a reality TV wedding, reportedly made $17 million and got divorced….faster than David Stern could step in.

   And now Kim K’s ex is the butt of jokes, getting booed at arenas around the country and the most disliked player in the NBA. (According to a survey conducted by Nielsen and E-Poll Market Research that appeared on Forbes.com.)

   HE’S MORE DISLIKED THAN LEBRON….THE GUY THAT DID A PRIMETIME SPECIAL ABOUT CHOOSING WHERE HE WANTED TO WORK. THAT GUY...

   This hardly seems fair. I am not a Kris Humphries apologist by any means, but my biggest problem with him is that his first name is spelled incorrectly.. (Chris NOT Kris)

   He reportedly spent $2 million on a wedding ring for the reality star, and re-signed with the Nets for one year at $ 8 million.

   Reasons to hate him? Nah, he’s a professional athlete. That’s chump change. Maybe fans got tired of “Tebowing” and hating Kris Humphries is the new “it” thing to do.  

He just looks like he's praying to me...

   Are fans booing him because he was dumped?  They think he was a pawn in a reality show money grab scam and they were hoodwinked?  Whatever the reason, it seems to be helping Humphries.

   Kris had 21 points and 16 rebounds in a victory against the Wizards on Monday night. A game in which he was loudly booed and helped the Nets come back from a 21-point deficit.

   So, while I don’t understand how one of the most irrelevant players in the NBA, Kardashian divorcee or not, can become the most hated player in the league…I have a feeling the Humphries hate will continue.

A "real" reality star...

   But, since Chris with a K is newly single...and a New Jersey Net for at least the year…if he really wants to date a reality star..there’s always Snooki…









Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blog are exclusively those of this author and do not represent the thoughts or opinions nor are they condoned by anyone employed by or associated with KAGS or any of its affiliates.

Better Late Than Never

   With the NBA season almost upon us (a day away…check a calendar) the smell of pine needles, the sparkle of Christmas lights and  NBA Basketball just seem to go together like Kobe and a ho ho ho…allegedly.

They will not actually be wearing hats.

   But before you unwrap the presents (hopefully you didn’t get socks again this year) and enjoy the first regular season game of this lockout shortened season…. it’s time to take a look at the storylines heading into the season.

Will Kobe date a Laker girl?

Which NBA player will marry and divorce a Kardashian?

If Mark Cuban went to Jared for the Mavs Championship rings. (Dirk: “Ooo he went to Jared”)

Am I right?

Will Andrew Bynum admit once and for all…that Tracy Morgan is actually his father or twin brother?

After comparing team chemistry to making a tortilla, will Kevin Garnett change his nickname from 

“The Big Ticket” to “The Iron Chef”?

If someone discovers an actual Grizzly in Memphis..

If  the Washington Wizards can make it through a pregame shoot-around without weapons being drawn.

If Blake Griffin gets his own reality show…”Smog and the City”

If Suns point guard Steve Nash gets a haircut..

The chances Tim Duncan develops A PERSONALITY…(it is a short season so that’s unlikely)

He likes tattoos...a lot...

How  Denver’s Chris Andersen fits some new artwork on his skin canvas.  

When the Miami Heat will admit,  Dwyane Wade is Batman, Chris Bosh is ET and LeBron is..just 

annoying..

Will the Jazz have John Stockton throwback shorts night..

If an All Star jumps over Justin Bieber in the Slam Dunk Contest.

How Ray Allen reacts to having his kids take away his car keys given his age..

If Gummy Bears and Pizza make it on the Chicago Elementary School Lunch Menu in honor of Bulls MVP, Derrick Rose…

The Metta World Peace saga…known as Ron Artest or that crazy dude that beats up fans in some circles..

If Chris Paul will complain about traffic and demand a trade back to New Orleans.

Back to school or the Conference Finals?

It's discovered that Kevin Durant carries Tim Tebow in his backpack.

If Twolves point guard Ricky Rubio, from Spain…. is fined for missing games due to a mid afternoon siesta..

Someone explains how Tracy McGrady is STILL IN THE LEAGUE…I mean really

After retiring from the NBA, former Trailblazer Brandon Roy becomes a hockey goalie..

THE JIMMER…in Sacramento (the capital of California..despite Shaq’s geography)

If J.J. Barea gets to ride his first rollercoaster..(vertically restricted)

How soon Phil Jackson leaves his peyote and cabin in the woods of Montana for the bright lights of 

MSG to coach the Knicks.

If LeBron can tweet, Dwight Howard gets traded, and an NBA player Tebows on the same night thus causing ESPN to explode….

HAPPY NBA SEASON TO ALL AND TO ALL A  _____________________

  
(DAVID STERN DISALLOWED THE LAST LINE)

He knows when you're sleeping...and he knows when you're awake

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blog are exclusively those of this author and do not represent the thoughts or opinions nor are they condoned by anyone employed by or associated with KAGS or any of its affiliates.

The Gambling Man...allegedly..

   I BET you never thought you’d read this sentence…

 Definitely not a "victory cigar"

   Major League Baseball (MLB) is taking "very seriously" allegations that Yankees third baseman, Alex Rodriguez, took part in some illegal, underground poker games. MLB feels it must do so because, one of the games reportedly turned violent. (think Scarface, not bench clearing brawl)

   Now the part that concerns Yankee fans and baseball historians….A-Rod could face suspension if his participation in the games is confirmed.

   Rodriguez, who ranks 6th in career home runs (626), and is approaching 3,000 hits (2,762), was widely thought of as the man that would unseat Barry Bonds as MLB’s all time career home run leader (762). Then February 2009 happened…..(Sports Illustrated reports that Rodriguez took steroids) A-Rod admits to taking steroids in an interview with Peter Gammons, but throws his cousin under the proverbial bus, Yuri Sucart. Claiming, Sucart transported the drugs to him.
   Throw in some dates with Madonna, Kate Hudson, a world series ring, Cameron Diaz (not at once..that’d be a FULL HOUSE…), hip, knee and back injuries and Rodriguez has quickly gone from MLB’s golden child to an aging after thought.
   But, now it seems MLB will be forced to endure a controversy riddled slugger pursuing its most hallowed record….AGAIN.
   Recently, it was revealed that Rodriguez still employs his cousin, Sucart, despite being told by the Yankees that Sucart would no longer be allowed in the clubhouse.
   MLB is also worried that Rodriguez's name will reappear in the ongoing federal investigation of Dr. Anthony Galea, the Toronto physician charged with smuggling human growth hormone and other illegal substances into the United States. Galea has treated many professional athletes, including Rodriguez and Tiger Woods. 

Bad poker face...

   In 2005, Rodriguez was warned about gambling in underground poker clubs by the Yankees and by baseball commissioner Bud Selig. Both were concerned any involvement with gamblers who might be betting on baseball games could result in a Pete Rose-type lifetime ban from baseball….
   Reports of the undergound poker game were first published by RadarOnline.com. They say Rodriguez played in at least two of the games, one of which took place at the Beverly Hills mansion of a record executive at which "cocaine was openly used and a fight nearly broke out when one of the players refused to pay after losing "more than a half-million dollars." (No word if Charlie Sheen was in attendance..)
   According to the report, Rodriguez tried to distance himself from the drugs (because they weren’t P.E.D.s..) and violence, while losing a few thousand dollars and leaving.
   Which, sounds like A-Rod…losing seems to follow him (see his entire career minus 2009) And when you make upwards of $20 million a year, what’s a couple thousand bucks.
   According to a baseball executive, MLB hasn't determined if Rodriguez played in the games, which reportedly included actors Tobey Maguire, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck (Mr. Jennifer Garner) and Matt Damon. Reports say the games have been under investigation since 2007.
   MLB doesn’t believe A-Rod bet on the outcome of baseball games (somewhere Pete Rose is mumbling “stick to your lie..”) just cards. (not the ones in St. Louis) But, Commissioner Selig is pretty miffed A-Rod didn’t heed his warning.

   Rodriguez is currently rehabbing in Miami, following knee surgery on July 11th, so he couldn’t be reached for comment. The Yankees claim to know nothing about the investigation, but I assume would like to PARLAY a couple pitchers out of a possible suspension to Rodriguez…

bffs?

   This story should surprise no one. Rodriguez has always said one thing and done another. He’s always been consumed with his appearance and media/ public perception. Whether it was sunbathing in Central Park, highlighting his hair, secretly rendezvousing with manly looking strippers while married or having sleepovers with Derek Jeter….A-Rod isn’t your typical baseball player. And if reports are correct, it doesn’t sound like he’s much of a poker player either.

Happy Groundhog Month

   After 4 1/2 months, the NFL Lockout met the same fate as Jennifer Lopez’ many marriages…it ended. Owners will receive 53% of the revenue to the players 47% (and thankfully the infamous Yankee, Yogi Berra, wasn’t negotiating..) and fans will still get 0…But some fans will tell you it’s still worth it to get a day away from the wife and kids every week.
   NFL franchises now face the challenging task of signing free agents and making cuts to rosters, all while getting ready for Week 1 of the season. (September 11th)
   However, the biggest news following the termination of the Lockout is the NFL will not miss its version of Groundhog Day. And the NFL’s version of Punxsutawney Phil NEVER disappoints.


NOT Albert Haynesworth

   Of course I’m talking about Brett Lorenzo Favre (Punxsutawney Phil) and the, “Will he or won’t he come back to play again” specualtion (Groundhog Day in the NFL).
   On the same day NFL personnel hinted at the end of the Lockout, rumors surfaced that Brett may return to back up Michael Vick in Philly. The Eagles QB even tweeted about the matter, saying he would welcome Favre (but deleted the tweet soon after).
   Instead of waiting for Ed Werder and Rachel Nichols to camp out in Hattiesburg Mississippi, looking for Favre’s shadow or pick up truck…lets examine why # 4 should remain a jeans model AND RETIRED FROM FOOTBALL!

LAST SEASON: 11 TDs 19 INTs, 60.6 Compl %, 69.9 QB rating

Concussions, alleged sexting (see Jenn Sterger), broken bones, voicemails (see Jenn Sterger), masseuses, end to consecutive games streak, Vikings 6-10

Okay Brett, if you’re STILL not convinced, I’ll go team by team. (Because I know the Ol’ Gunslinger is a frequent reader of Vlahos' Voice)

AFC East
New England Patriots: Tom. Brady.

Miami Dolphins: Old people do like to retire in Florida, so he'd already be in the state…QB Chad Henne is serviceable, 7-9 season. Play the Patriots twice a year, so no.

New York Jets: been there done (sexted, harassed allegedly) that…(see 2008 season)

Buffalo Bills: (see Terrell Owens)…Brett would be better off playing for those high school teams he always practices with.

AFC North

Kinda says it all...

Cleveland Browns: This one is interesting because he is the anti- Lebron James. As opposed to James, Brett NEVER QUITS. Playing for the only coach he won a Super Bowl with (Mike Holmgren is Browns GM) makes this a viable option. But fans would much rather watch QB Colt McCoy run for his life 16 times a year…

Pittsburgh Steelers: Already have a QB with odd last name, questionable character and a tendency to throw INTs who is YOUNGER. Defending AFC champs. Never happening.

Baltimore Ravens: Sadly for Ravens fans, Baltimore will be the last team to realize Joe Flacco is….JOE FLACCO…otherwise a possibility. But a hit from LB Ray Lewis in practice would KILL HIM. So this is out.

Cincinnati Bengals: They make the Bills look like a Hawaiian vacation…

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts: Peyton. Manning.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Just drafted a QB, and said QB (Blaine Gabbert) already has a father, so no need for Brett here.

Houston Texans: Matt Schaub is a top 10 NFL QB, and unless Brett can play corner, the Texans don’t need him.

Tennessee Titans: Just released QB of the future (Vince Young). Also parted ways with the only NFL coach who looks good in lady’s sunglasses (Jeff Fisher)…and I think the new head coach discourages throwing into triple coverage, so the Music City is out.

AFC West
Kansas City Chiefs: Matt Cassell used to back up Matt Leinart and Tom Brady, so if he added Brett Favre to the list he could go down as the best backup ever..? But, I doubt he wants to, so no BBQ for you Brett.

San Diego Chargers: Although they’ve won close to NOTHING, Phillip Rivers is arguably a Top 5 NFL QB, no need for the jeans model in SoCal.

Actually Al Davis, not a goblin in Raiders gear

Oakland Raiders: Signing Brett would make Al Davis the second oldest man/goblin in the franchise for the first time in history. And Al is all about himself, so I don’t see Oakland bringing in the aging one.

Denver Broncos: Timothy. Richard. Tebow. Oh..and Kyle Orton too.. But I think current Broncos Executive VP, John Elway, would love giving Brett grief about that Super Bowl XXXII victory. Still a no.


NFC East
Washington Redskins: QB Donovan McNabb may be on his way out, owner Daniel Snyder will throw money at anything that moves (see Albert Haynesworth)…But, I don’t think Brett wants to try and pass the dreaded “Mike Shanahan Conditioning Test” (see Albert Haynesworth)

Philadelphia Eagles: Sometimes it seems like Michael Vick is just CHASING HIS OWN TAIL with all that running around…Favre would be BARKING up the wrong tree ...But, Coach Andy Reid and Favre used to have regular POW WOWs as members of the Packers….okay I’m out of dog jokes. They have Kevin Kolb, although they may trade him…but if Brett went to Philly, one would assume Vick would be on a SHORT LEASH….

Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo is really good..The Cowboys and their fans promise. Except as a holder, big game quarterback and decision maker…But he’s paid too much, and Jon Kitna played great in his absence last season.

New York Giants: Eli Manning beat Favre head to head in the 2008 NFC Title game in Brett’s last game as a Packer. No way he goes to New York’s other team.

NFC North
Minnesota Vikings: Professor Childress is gone, so I don’t see any more recon sense missions down to Hattiesburg to bring Brett back. A 6-10 season, a broken dome, time to start over in Minny..without the Silver Fox.

Green Bay Packers: Defending Super Bowl Champs. Unless Super Bowl MVP, QB Aaron Rodgers, suffers a career ending or life threatening injury Brett won’t be a Packer (and he’d be the prime suspect if something happened to Rodgers anyway.)

Chicago Bears: Similar to Pittsburgh, already has a young quarterback, odd last name, with a..love for....er...tendency to throw INTs at critical points in games. But you never know when QB Jay Cutler’s knee may force him out of a game..or marriage..

Detroit Lions: Young and talented team trying to change the way the franchise is thought of. I emphasize YOUNG.

NFC South
New Orleans Saints: Drew. Brees.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: QB Josh Freeman has become one of the league’s bright young QB’s, and pirate ships scare Brett.

Carolina Panthers: QB Jimmy Clausen and # 1 Overall Pick QB Cam Newton may have as much talent combined as Brett’s left hand, but the Panthers could turn their QB Controversy into a reality TV Series, “Year of the Defensive Back”.

Atlanta Falcons: 13-3 best record in the NFC last season, first round loss. One or two players away..but not at QB. (See Matt Ryan or Matty Ice)

NFC West:

See what I mean about the hands?

San Francisco 49ers: Brett has bigger hands then Alex Smith..meaning….he can grip the ball better, but drafting Nevada QB, Colin Kaepernick, indicates Brett won’t be going to the city by the bay.

Arizona Cardinals: Brett likes to smile, but the Cardinals frown on smiling (see Derek Anderson)..indications are that Arizona will sign Hasselbeck, Kolb, McNabb, or Young.

Seattle Seahawks: first sub .500 team to make the playoffs in NFL history (7-9), Matt Hasselbeck is on his way out. But, just signed former Favre back up Tavaris Jackson and former Pete Carroll USC QB and ballroom dancer extraordinaire Matt Leinart..sorry Brett.

St. Louis Rams: After Sam Bradford’s break out rookie season, the only thing stopping the former Oklahoma Sooner is a BCS Bowl Game…

Brett, I think I’ve made my point….at least for this season…

The Big Faker

   With NBA players locked out, the month of July is unusually slow as far as NBA news goes. Gone are the days of trade rumors, free agent signings and “Decisions”. In Los Angeles things are more quiet than normal,  some might even call them silent…(Minus that whole Carmageddon nonsense..) This being the first off season in three years the home team (Lakers NOT Clippers) failed to at least make the NBA Finals. Sure, Angelinos can spend their days on Rodeo Drive star gazing…But why compete with TMZ photogs for parking and a glance at C list celebrities, when you can see a HUGE star at your local market?

   And by HUGE star, I mean Andrew Bynum, and by local I mean Playa Del Ray…and good luck finding parking…at least if Bynum has anything to say about it.

Courtesy of NBC 4..Bynum grocery shopping

   You see, NBC 4 recently obtained photos that show Bynum’s black BMW double parked across two handicap spots at a Playa Del Ray market. NBC 4 confronted Bynum and he reportedly slammed the door and drove off. (The fastest he’s moved in years.)
   This wouldn’t be a problem if it were anytime between October and June…Because anyone that follows the Lakers knows Bynum is handicapped during some OR ALL of those months. (He has spent much of his six-year NBA career in a wheelchair or on crutches due to his numerous knee injuries.) Worse than the fact Bynum doesn’t know HOW or WHERE to park…this isn’t the first time the Lakers Center (for now) was seen parking in handicapped spaces. (A $353 ticket)
   The LA Times' T.J. Simers received an e-mailed photo in May from a reader catching Bynum in the act of parking across a white-and-blue painted handicapped space in front of a blue handicapped sign outside a Bank of America in Playa del Rey.
   This raises a few serious questions….Does the 23-year-old really think he’s handicapped? If so, why has he spent his career trying to cripple NBA players..thus increasing the handicapped population and make finding a handicapped spot more difficult? (ie. J.J. Barea) It’s funny I never heard this story when the Lakers were WINNING.(Charlie Sheen voice) If you’re the Lakers front office, how do you feel that your center thinks he’s handicapped? I bet Dwight Howard doesn’t park in handicapped spots....
   Assuming Bynum parks in handicapped spots out of convenience…Is this guy really worth $15 million if he’s too lazy to park with the “common folk” and walk a few extra steps to his destination? Partying at the Playboy Mansion two years ago while rehabbing his knee during a Lakers’ road trip was bad. His behavior in Game 4 of the Western Conference Semi Finals against the Dallas Mavericks was appalling. But, parking in handicapped spots, while unacceptable, is just who he is….
   Instead of making his predictable forced apology, wouldn’t this be more fun?


Tracy Morgan (left) & Andrew Bynum (right)



“Look, I park in handicapped spots because I drive a nice car…I don’t want some idiot to dent my BMW. I’m seven feet tall, so do you really have a problem!? It’s not my fault. And anyway, who would you rather have at center…Gasol? Do you know how much money I’m worth? I mean Kobe doesn’t care where I park; as long as I don’t talk when he’s talking everything is cool…Phil used to park in handicap spots all the time and nobody cared. Is this because I look like Tracy Morgan?”

Sadly, I don’t see that happening. Maybe we can put an end to all of this by

A.) The Lakers trade him for Dwight Howard or anyone else (preferred choice)

B.) The DMV expands handicap parking to, expectant mothers, those that ARE handicap, AND people that think they are too important to FOLLOW THE LAW.

There problem solved, you’re welcome Los Angeles!