Caught Cheating....Allegedly

   Who would have thought that with every Bay Area gym membership, comes a 50 game suspension from Major League Baseball?

He just looks like he has elevated testosterone levels...

   One week after San Francisco Giants, left fielder, Melky Cabrera was suspended 50 games for testing positive for increased levels of testosterone…Oakland Athletics pitcher, Bartolo Colon met the same fate.

   Those familiar with Colon’s work probably asked the obvious questions…”Did he use steroids as one of his free pizza toppings he was entitled with his Domino’s gift card?" OR "Did he eat Melky?”

Criminal Mastermind?

   The “Melk Man” hasn’t been seen or heard from since his spot on impression of a former Giants outfielder…allegedly…There was the news that Melky tried creating a FAKE steroid website based out of the Dominican Republic that sells “tainted supplements.”

Said Former Giants Outfielder....

   
  Roger Clemens beating the government at 50 years old, and then trying a comeback to Major League Baseball to beat the Pittsburgh Pirates this season…that’s predictable….Melky Cabrera a baseball player by day, and a computer programming evil genius by night…that’s crazier than a night of partying with Prince Harry (see TMZ).  

The ladies must love the hat....

   Unfortunately the news of this year’s All Star Game MVP, and one of the A’s top starters testing positive for elevated levels of testosterone shouldn’t be a surprise. The cheaters and chemists are still one step ahead of testers. Sure…former Miami Dolphins wide receiver, Chad Johnson, isn’t smart enough to say, “no thanks” when asked if he’d like a receipt for those condoms he just bought…(leading to a domestic dispute…divorce..and release from the Dolphins) but drug testing is supposed to be more scientific…right?

Throwing into triple coverage since 1864...

   Wrong. Until leagues start blood testing and create harsher penalties for first time offenders, steroid suspensions will remain as common as a Brett Favre un-retirement rumor…..

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blog are exclusively those of this author and do not represent the thoughts or opinions nor are they condoned by anyone employed by or associated with KAGS or any of its affiliates.

Pig Headed...Out the Door

Bobby Petrino before..

   Given the last two weeks of his life…former Arkansas head football coach, Bobby Petrino, can’t be too concerned it’s Friday the 13^th. While some people will spend the day avoiding black cats, ladders, mirrors, and Fidel Castro (see Ozzie Guillen)….Petrino may just shatter a few bathroom mirrors to reverse his luck.

   But, if you think Petrino’s string of bad luck started with a motorcycle crash on April 1^st.....you’d be an April Fool. The cause of the wreck is still being investigated…but I have a hunch karma had something to do with it. (see Atlanta Falcons 2007 departure, and trying to snake his close friend out of a job at Auburn in 2003…while working at Louisville)

   For those that missed the story because they had to see, The Hunger Games, for a 12^th time…I’ll catch you up.

  The head hog..(Petrino) wrecked his motorcycle (also a hog) on April 1^st.  The 51 year old, was driving his Harley-Davidson motorcycle on a two-lane road about 20 miles southeast of Fayetteville when he lost control, slid through a ditch and struck tree limbs and a pile of dirt.

   Like fellow scholar, Ben Roethlisberger, Petrino was not wearing a helmet.. He suffered four broken ribs and a cracked vertebra. He told Jeff Long, the Arkansas athletic director, that he was alone at the time of the accident.

    Ok…bike is wrecked….and he looks like Freddy Krueger…but with a coaching record like Bear Bryant the whole thing could make him more legendary in Fayetteville.   

Bobby Petrino after....

    But, a few days later…shortly before the police report was made public, Petrino told Jeff Long, the Arkansas Athletic Director he had been driving a passenger, the former Arkansas volleyball player Jessica Dorrell. Dorrell, 25, was recently hired by Petrino as the program’s student-athlete development coordinator.

   That night Petrino, who is married with four children and two grandchildren, acknowledged an “inappropriate relationship” with Dorrell, and was put on paid administrative leave pending review of the circumstances surrounding the crash.

  And like Petrino’s character…the circumstances were also AWFUL.

Booty call #1..we think..

  Long revealed that Petrino had violated university policy when he hired Dorrell over 159 other applicants without clarifying that the two of them were connected. Worse, Long also discovered that Petrino had given Dorrell $20,000 in cash….Arkansas is a public university, so the Razorbacks could face legal problems over the hiring as well.

   So, that’s the worst of it right? Wrong. The 51 year old playboy thought the best way to communicate with his side piece was with his WORK PHONE…..

HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM TIGER WOODS? Use  pay phones…morse code..owl messenger..but not a track able phone. 

  And this guy is supposed to outsmart Nick Saban and Les Miles…ok it’s still probably a push with Miles..

She seems to have great taste...or daddy issues...

  Dorrell had been engaged to another Arkansas employee, but phone records show she and Petrino had been in contact as far back as September 12.

  Records also show over a seven-month period, Petrino and Dorrell exchanged more than 4,300 text messages and almost 300 phone calls, including during the time the police report of the accident on April 5 was being released to the public. 

Petrino exchanged 57 texts with Dorrell on Sept. 12, 2011

Petrino exchanged 91 texts the following day with Dorrell on Sept. 13, 2011

Petrino exchanged 70 texts with Dorrell on Sept. 17, 2011, the day Arkansas beat Troy

 

The two exchanged 73 texts on Oct. 17, 2011

Petrino called Dorrell at 5:52 a.m., 6:35 a.m., 5:49 a.m. and 7:55 a.m., four days in a row in the week before a loss to Alabama on Sept. 24, 2011

The two exchanged 84 texts on Oct. 28, 2011, the day before Arkansas played Vanderbilt

The two exchanged 26 texts on Nov. 19, 2011, the day Arkansas beat Mississippi State

The two exchanged four texts on Nov. 25, 2011 after the Arkansas lost to LSU

Dorrell sent Petrino a text message during Arkansas' Cotton Bowl win over Kansas State on Jan. 6, though Petrino didn't reply until the following day

The two in action....

 The two talked 11 times on April 5, the day the police report was being released, including two two-minute phone calls around 3:30 p.m.

14 year old girls think that’s obsessive texting…

Two observations..

1.)   The University has an AMAZING cell phone plan

2.)   Can you imagine what Arkansas would have been capable of if the guy was more worried about the pigskin….and not just getting some SKIN..?

So, Long made the right choice and fired Petrino earlier this week.  The decision means, Petrino will never utter the phrase pig sooie in Fayetteville after the school turned him into chop sooie. But, history indicates he will always be a pig…Friday the 13^th or not.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blog are exclusively those of this author and do not represent the thoughts or opinions nor are they condoned by anyone employed by or associated with KAGS or any of its affiliates.

The Every MANning

I’m not big on pop quizzes, but quick…what do former Colts quarterback and 9% of Americans have in common? 

  
 An annoying little brother? No.. A number of hilarious commercials and Saturday Night Live Appearances…hardly…Like 9 % of Americans..Peyton is unemployed….After all you can’t spell unEmPlOYmENT without PEYTON..

Not going to see this EVER AGAIN...

   We’ve all been there…working 14 years at the same job…Doing everything your boss asks and more. Then you strain your neck refilling the water cooler. You can’t work, you can barely move. So, you miss some time…and while you’re gone, two younger guys, who do your job (better than you according to some people) are at your office, interviewing for your position. So, what do you do? The sensible thing of course…Gingerly march (don’t forget the neck injury) into the bosses office and ask him for a $28 million bonus…and he has the nerve to fire you.

The new guys...

Can you believe that guy!?

 Now you’re forced to stand in front of the office, with your boss…and tell coworkers how much you loved working with them and will miss them. Then you start to cry…because Johnson from accounting is taking your corner office, and Smith has your parking spot...

  While Peyton Manning’s goodbye to the Colts seemed extremely heartfelt and emotional, let me remind the world…He did not die…The musical montages of his Colts career highlights are unnecessary and excessive.  And I’m sure the Production Assistant who put it together and hasn’t slept in four days looking for every” iso”, or “back endzone angle” feels the same way.

FIBBER.!!!!

Sure, an NFL Legend will dawn new threads, if he doesn’t retire, and he says he won’t. But legendary QB’s have been known to fib about retirement….

  Unlike John Elway, Jim Kelly, Dan  Marino, and Steve Young…Peyton will sign with a new team as a free agent.  And Peyton is known as a guy who loves to watch film and prepare.  But, he’s said free agency is all new to him…But here’s to hoping he doesn’t watch any film from, “The Decision”.

Just Because....

  And maybe…just maybe…if we’re lucky…the Broncos will sign him, and he can put an end to TebowMania…for now.

  But, if we never see Peyton again…he can always get a career…at a deli....”CUTTING THAT MEAT.”   

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blog are exclusively those of this author and do not represent the thoughts or opinions nor are they condoned by anyone employed by or associated with KAGS or any of its affiliates.

Take your pick...

Super Cut...a Pats story

Now that Super Bowl XLVI is over and people outside of New York and Massachusetts can come out of hiding and slowly turn their televisions back on…it’s time to examine the most interesting story from Giants vs Pats II..

Broadcasters discovering and reminding the American public that you can’t spell elite without Eli…no.  A good portion of the country can read, and spell. Go figure…

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick looking mortal (3-2 in Super Bowl’s) No. Brady looks like a male model and Bill looks like an angry homeless person..still.

The story actually came before the Giants 21-17 victory on Sunday night. It happened the night before. That’s when the Pats cut little known and used wide receiver, Tiquan Underwood.  Underwood might be most recognizable for his performance at this year’s Super Bowl Media Day. The journeyman pass catcher caught rave reviews for his personality and tall hair. He actually had a barber carve the Patriots' logo into the back of his hairdo. (And who wouldn’t want that..?)

That's fresh...

So, why cut him? New England not a fan of the new do?

Officially, the Patriots wanted another defensive lineman for the active roster. So when they released Underwood, they also announced that they had signed defensive lineman Alex Silvestro from the practice squad.

Insert inaudible mumbling here...

And if you’re saying who’s Alex Silvestro…you’re not alone. The most famous Silvestro I know stopped making “Rocky” movies years ago.. Only two New England defenders didn't get onto the field Sunday night, and Silvestro was one of them.

The timing is also curious…New England said Underwood could keep his Super Bowl bonus, but waited till Saturday night to release him. Most likely to prevent the Giants from claiming Underwood on waivers and using his knowledge against New England.

Good thing Underwood wasn’t excited about the game or anything..More deflating than Kirstie Alley on Dancing with the Stars.

But knowing what a genius Bill Belichick is…I assume he must have had a good reason to release the Rutgers Scarlet Knight.

And here are a few of my guesses…

Tiquan dropped and subsequently BROKE the video camera (see SpyGate)

Tom Brady found Tiquan’s shoes at Gisele’s place..

Tom Brady’s hair felt threatened…concerned Underwood had the prettiest locks on the team..

Tiquan stepped on Rob Gronkowski's ankle..

Tiquan asked to be cut so he could watch the commercials in their entirety…

NOT Tiquan Underwood, but he is on Twitter..

The Pats thought he was Chad Ochocinco..

Tiquan stole the batteries to the video camera (see SpyGate..again)

Tiquan wanted to perform with Madonna at halftime instead.

Underwood accused Wes Welker of having butterfingers..

Tiquan feared he would miss the beginning of NBC’s, “The Voice” if he played in the game.

Underwood was caught “Tebowing”…

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blog are exclusively those of this author and do not represent the thoughts or opinions nor are they condoned by anyone employed by or associated with KAGS or any of its affiliates.

Chris with a K

   Usually when someone loses between 120 and 160 pounds, they are praised, congratulated, or the winner of NBC’s, “The Biggest Loser”. But that hasn’t been the case for  Nets forward, Kris Humphries…He’s been vilified.

   If you still haven’t connected the dots…Kim Kardashian is the 120 to 160 pounds he lost.  And if you don’t know who Kim Kardashian is..a simple google search will do.  (If you’re under  18 you may want to click the safe search option).

Happier Days...

   The 26-year-old Humphries and his one-time bride; met, fell in love, had a reality TV wedding, reportedly made $17 million and got divorced….faster than David Stern could step in.

   And now Kim K’s ex is the butt of jokes, getting booed at arenas around the country and the most disliked player in the NBA. (According to a survey conducted by Nielsen and E-Poll Market Research that appeared on Forbes.com.)

   HE’S MORE DISLIKED THAN LEBRON….THE GUY THAT DID A PRIMETIME SPECIAL ABOUT CHOOSING WHERE HE WANTED TO WORK. THAT GUY...

   This hardly seems fair. I am not a Kris Humphries apologist by any means, but my biggest problem with him is that his first name is spelled incorrectly.. (Chris NOT Kris)

   He reportedly spent $2 million on a wedding ring for the reality star, and re-signed with the Nets for one year at $ 8 million.

   Reasons to hate him? Nah, he’s a professional athlete. That’s chump change. Maybe fans got tired of “Tebowing” and hating Kris Humphries is the new “it” thing to do.  

He just looks like he's praying to me...

   Are fans booing him because he was dumped?  They think he was a pawn in a reality show money grab scam and they were hoodwinked?  Whatever the reason, it seems to be helping Humphries.

   Kris had 21 points and 16 rebounds in a victory against the Wizards on Monday night. A game in which he was loudly booed and helped the Nets come back from a 21-point deficit.

   So, while I don’t understand how one of the most irrelevant players in the NBA, Kardashian divorcee or not, can become the most hated player in the league…I have a feeling the Humphries hate will continue.

A "real" reality star...

   But, since Chris with a K is newly single...and a New Jersey Net for at least the year…if he really wants to date a reality star..there’s always Snooki…









Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blog are exclusively those of this author and do not represent the thoughts or opinions nor are they condoned by anyone employed by or associated with KAGS or any of its affiliates.

Better Late Than Never

   With the NBA season almost upon us (a day away…check a calendar) the smell of pine needles, the sparkle of Christmas lights and  NBA Basketball just seem to go together like Kobe and a ho ho ho…allegedly.

They will not actually be wearing hats.

   But before you unwrap the presents (hopefully you didn’t get socks again this year) and enjoy the first regular season game of this lockout shortened season…. it’s time to take a look at the storylines heading into the season.

Will Kobe date a Laker girl?

Which NBA player will marry and divorce a Kardashian?

If Mark Cuban went to Jared for the Mavs Championship rings. (Dirk: “Ooo he went to Jared”)

Am I right?

Will Andrew Bynum admit once and for all…that Tracy Morgan is actually his father or twin brother?

After comparing team chemistry to making a tortilla, will Kevin Garnett change his nickname from 

“The Big Ticket” to “The Iron Chef”?

If someone discovers an actual Grizzly in Memphis..

If  the Washington Wizards can make it through a pregame shoot-around without weapons being drawn.

If Blake Griffin gets his own reality show…”Smog and the City”

If Suns point guard Steve Nash gets a haircut..

The chances Tim Duncan develops A PERSONALITY…(it is a short season so that’s unlikely)

He likes tattoos...a lot...

How  Denver’s Chris Andersen fits some new artwork on his skin canvas.  

When the Miami Heat will admit,  Dwyane Wade is Batman, Chris Bosh is ET and LeBron is..just 

annoying..

Will the Jazz have John Stockton throwback shorts night..

If an All Star jumps over Justin Bieber in the Slam Dunk Contest.

How Ray Allen reacts to having his kids take away his car keys given his age..

If Gummy Bears and Pizza make it on the Chicago Elementary School Lunch Menu in honor of Bulls MVP, Derrick Rose…

The Metta World Peace saga…known as Ron Artest or that crazy dude that beats up fans in some circles..

If Chris Paul will complain about traffic and demand a trade back to New Orleans.

Back to school or the Conference Finals?

It's discovered that Kevin Durant carries Tim Tebow in his backpack.

If Twolves point guard Ricky Rubio, from Spain…. is fined for missing games due to a mid afternoon siesta..

Someone explains how Tracy McGrady is STILL IN THE LEAGUE…I mean really

After retiring from the NBA, former Trailblazer Brandon Roy becomes a hockey goalie..

THE JIMMER…in Sacramento (the capital of California..despite Shaq’s geography)

If J.J. Barea gets to ride his first rollercoaster..(vertically restricted)

How soon Phil Jackson leaves his peyote and cabin in the woods of Montana for the bright lights of 

MSG to coach the Knicks.

If LeBron can tweet, Dwight Howard gets traded, and an NBA player Tebows on the same night thus causing ESPN to explode….

HAPPY NBA SEASON TO ALL AND TO ALL A  _____________________

  
(DAVID STERN DISALLOWED THE LAST LINE)

He knows when you're sleeping...and he knows when you're awake

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this blog are exclusively those of this author and do not represent the thoughts or opinions nor are they condoned by anyone employed by or associated with KAGS or any of its affiliates.

The Gambling Man...allegedly..

   I BET you never thought you’d read this sentence…

 Definitely not a "victory cigar"

   Major League Baseball (MLB) is taking "very seriously" allegations that Yankees third baseman, Alex Rodriguez, took part in some illegal, underground poker games. MLB feels it must do so because, one of the games reportedly turned violent. (think Scarface, not bench clearing brawl)

   Now the part that concerns Yankee fans and baseball historians….A-Rod could face suspension if his participation in the games is confirmed.

   Rodriguez, who ranks 6th in career home runs (626), and is approaching 3,000 hits (2,762), was widely thought of as the man that would unseat Barry Bonds as MLB’s all time career home run leader (762). Then February 2009 happened…..(Sports Illustrated reports that Rodriguez took steroids) A-Rod admits to taking steroids in an interview with Peter Gammons, but throws his cousin under the proverbial bus, Yuri Sucart. Claiming, Sucart transported the drugs to him.
   Throw in some dates with Madonna, Kate Hudson, a world series ring, Cameron Diaz (not at once..that’d be a FULL HOUSE…), hip, knee and back injuries and Rodriguez has quickly gone from MLB’s golden child to an aging after thought.
   But, now it seems MLB will be forced to endure a controversy riddled slugger pursuing its most hallowed record….AGAIN.
   Recently, it was revealed that Rodriguez still employs his cousin, Sucart, despite being told by the Yankees that Sucart would no longer be allowed in the clubhouse.
   MLB is also worried that Rodriguez's name will reappear in the ongoing federal investigation of Dr. Anthony Galea, the Toronto physician charged with smuggling human growth hormone and other illegal substances into the United States. Galea has treated many professional athletes, including Rodriguez and Tiger Woods. 

Bad poker face...

   In 2005, Rodriguez was warned about gambling in underground poker clubs by the Yankees and by baseball commissioner Bud Selig. Both were concerned any involvement with gamblers who might be betting on baseball games could result in a Pete Rose-type lifetime ban from baseball….
   Reports of the undergound poker game were first published by RadarOnline.com. They say Rodriguez played in at least two of the games, one of which took place at the Beverly Hills mansion of a record executive at which "cocaine was openly used and a fight nearly broke out when one of the players refused to pay after losing "more than a half-million dollars." (No word if Charlie Sheen was in attendance..)
   According to the report, Rodriguez tried to distance himself from the drugs (because they weren’t P.E.D.s..) and violence, while losing a few thousand dollars and leaving.
   Which, sounds like A-Rod…losing seems to follow him (see his entire career minus 2009) And when you make upwards of $20 million a year, what’s a couple thousand bucks.
   According to a baseball executive, MLB hasn't determined if Rodriguez played in the games, which reportedly included actors Tobey Maguire, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck (Mr. Jennifer Garner) and Matt Damon. Reports say the games have been under investigation since 2007.
   MLB doesn’t believe A-Rod bet on the outcome of baseball games (somewhere Pete Rose is mumbling “stick to your lie..”) just cards. (not the ones in St. Louis) But, Commissioner Selig is pretty miffed A-Rod didn’t heed his warning.

   Rodriguez is currently rehabbing in Miami, following knee surgery on July 11th, so he couldn’t be reached for comment. The Yankees claim to know nothing about the investigation, but I assume would like to PARLAY a couple pitchers out of a possible suspension to Rodriguez…

bffs?

   This story should surprise no one. Rodriguez has always said one thing and done another. He’s always been consumed with his appearance and media/ public perception. Whether it was sunbathing in Central Park, highlighting his hair, secretly rendezvousing with manly looking strippers while married or having sleepovers with Derek Jeter….A-Rod isn’t your typical baseball player. And if reports are correct, it doesn’t sound like he’s much of a poker player either.