Tuesday, December 13, 2016

one L of a ride

More than 24 hours since the Los Angeles Rams did the unthinkable, the smog settles and the traffic piles up (a regular Tuesday) in Los Angeles, but I remain in disbelief.

On the cusp of history, the organization that left the landlocked cold winters of St. Louis for the beaches and Botox of LA fired head coach Jeff Fisher on Monday.

No one will ever rock lady shades better
Tom Landry had the hat, Jon Gruden had the grimace, Bill Walsh had Joe Montana, John Madden had foot fungus commercials, and Fisher had his mustache and ladies sunglasses. With one more loss, the Culver City native would have had a piece of NFL history as well.

Following Sunday’s 42-14 blowout loss at “home” to the Atlanta Falcons, Fisher tied Dan Reeves for the most regular season losses by an NFL head coach (165). It took Reeves 357 games, while the man in the lady shades needed just 339 attempts. If we learned anything this year, it was that Rams ownership is heartless. Prying the team from its beloved fans in St. Louis, and moving it to Los Angeles so Angelinos could attend four games a year and give away their tickets for the remaining four. Why now, would anyone think after offering Fisher an extension just 8 days earlier it would let him join the ranks of the immortals?
My feet itched, and then they didn't. Boom!

He was 31-45-1 calling the shots for the Rams, missing the playoffs every year. In 22 seasons as a head coach, Jeff has just six winning seasons (all with the Titans) and one Super Bowl appearance. And get this…it was a loss…shocking….to the St. Louis Rams. Upon moving to Los Angeles, Fisher alienated Rams legend, Eric Dickerson, causing a protest by the Hall of Famer. The former head coach played quarterback musical chairs and it seemed like he had the record all but wrapped up. This was YEARS in the making.

 Not Norv Turner, not Marvin Lewis, not Marty Schottenheimer (with all those letters amazing not an L since he has so many as a coach), not Lovie Smith, BUT Jeff Fisher!! To top all of those men as THE BIGGEST LOSER IN NFL HISTORY…. that’s the stuff dreams are made of! Bill Belichick could go 0-16 with inflated or deflated balls for six straight season and still have a higher winning percentage than Fisher. (I’m guessing Jeff still wouldn’t know half the players on the Pats roster).
I mustache you a question...

Sadly, it’s not to be. Instead the Rams will hire Gruden or tempt Jim Harbaugh to leave college (again) with an intensity not known to mankind of course. While either of those hires might take time, the Rams will play this Thursday against the Seattle Seahawks and finish the season with a losing record to the surprise of 17 people. Meanwhile, Fisher will remain tied with Reeves. So close to history he can see it through his tinted shades and taste the champagne on his mustache without a coaching job in sight. Sure he’ll make seven million dollars (you read that correctly) this year and get three games off, but that record means more. His chances of attaining the mark seem slim, but there is one last glimmer of hope for the former 7th round draft pick….

A match made in heaven.....

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Back Where they Started! (Assuming Cleveland doesn't want them)

 January 12th 2016, a proud day for Angelinos everywhere! Our football team is officially coming home!!
Ahh, the good old days
 After hours of celebrating in the streets, looting, breaking into cars, and shooting off our guns like the Lakers won another Championship (lord knows that’s not happening for awhile) it’s back to work.
  As Americans anticipate tonight’s $1.5 billion lottery numbers, we in LA learned our magic numbers will now be 6-10, and 7-9 every fall! That’s of course because slimeball  entrepreneur Stan Kroenke convinced the NFL (30-2 vote) that the St. Louis Rams should be back in Los Angeles.
Likes Palm Trees more than the Arch
  The $6.3 billion, Columbia Missouri native owns parts of the Colorado Avalanche, Denver Nuggets, Colorado Mammoth (they play something), Colorado Rapids (soccer, definitely soccer) and now LOS ANGELES Rams.
 While we in Los Angeles could truly care less about him or his mustache, many Missourians feel betrayed and knifed by their native son. They should channel that misplaced anger though…
Georgia Frontiere and her witchcraft 
 St. Louis is that friend who takes your Tupperware (Rams for purposes of my point) because they enjoyed the pasta primavera (football) and just never return it. Los Angeles needed that Tupperware back eventually.

Or better yet…a witch, with 6 former husbands swooped in and stole our Rams…so if you think about it St. Louis…the team was never really “yours”…it was actually Cleveland’s first. (1936–1942, 1944-1945) I’m guessing the Cleveland Rams wouldn’t have possibly been more useless then the current Browns.
LA's old Fearsome Foursome
 48 years in LA trumps 20 in the, “Show me State”. Sure the St. Louis Rams played in two Super Bowls, winning one on the goal line, and having practices video taped in another, but the Fearsome Foursome would have beaten the Greatest Show on turf..(they’d all lose to the 1995-1996 Bulls of course).

LA's current Fearsome Foursome

  The point is, you can probably get the Chargers, Raiders or an expansion team if you want! (Please take the Chargers, Los Angeles already has Bieber and the Kardashians we don’t need more trash.)
  We will love watching Nick Foles, and Case Keenum sling it around! Or Howie Long’s kid and King Leonidas (wait not the guy from 300?)   James Laurinaitis chase the quarterback! A new stadium in Inglewood after playing at the Coliseum again and other nonsense aside, if the Rams hope to be sustainable in Los Angeles they must do two things.

 1.) Avoid witches (see above)

 2.) Win games

Coached Titans to a Rams Super Bowl!

#2 has proven challenging for the Rams current head coach, Jeff Fisher, who hasn’t been relevant since he was wearing lady's sunglasses with his surly demeanor patrolling the Titans sideline with Steve McNair as his quarterback. 

 There is one alternative to success though. LALA Land is built on the tears of failed actors, models and botched plastic surgery, so if the Rams can’t win, they must find a way to be compelling. And I have just the answer..
Johnny. Hollywood.