Happy Groundhog Month

   After 4 1/2 months, the NFL Lockout met the same fate as Jennifer Lopez’ many marriages…it ended. Owners will receive 53% of the revenue to the players 47% (and thankfully the infamous Yankee, Yogi Berra, wasn’t negotiating..) and fans will still get 0…But some fans will tell you it’s still worth it to get a day away from the wife and kids every week.
   NFL franchises now face the challenging task of signing free agents and making cuts to rosters, all while getting ready for Week 1 of the season. (September 11th)
   However, the biggest news following the termination of the Lockout is the NFL will not miss its version of Groundhog Day. And the NFL’s version of Punxsutawney Phil NEVER disappoints.


NOT Albert Haynesworth

   Of course I’m talking about Brett Lorenzo Favre (Punxsutawney Phil) and the, “Will he or won’t he come back to play again” specualtion (Groundhog Day in the NFL).
   On the same day NFL personnel hinted at the end of the Lockout, rumors surfaced that Brett may return to back up Michael Vick in Philly. The Eagles QB even tweeted about the matter, saying he would welcome Favre (but deleted the tweet soon after).
   Instead of waiting for Ed Werder and Rachel Nichols to camp out in Hattiesburg Mississippi, looking for Favre’s shadow or pick up truck…lets examine why # 4 should remain a jeans model AND RETIRED FROM FOOTBALL!

LAST SEASON: 11 TDs 19 INTs, 60.6 Compl %, 69.9 QB rating

Concussions, alleged sexting (see Jenn Sterger), broken bones, voicemails (see Jenn Sterger), masseuses, end to consecutive games streak, Vikings 6-10

Okay Brett, if you’re STILL not convinced, I’ll go team by team. (Because I know the Ol’ Gunslinger is a frequent reader of Vlahos' Voice)

AFC East
New England Patriots: Tom. Brady.

Miami Dolphins: Old people do like to retire in Florida, so he'd already be in the state…QB Chad Henne is serviceable, 7-9 season. Play the Patriots twice a year, so no.

New York Jets: been there done (sexted, harassed allegedly) that…(see 2008 season)

Buffalo Bills: (see Terrell Owens)…Brett would be better off playing for those high school teams he always practices with.

AFC North

Kinda says it all...

Cleveland Browns: This one is interesting because he is the anti- Lebron James. As opposed to James, Brett NEVER QUITS. Playing for the only coach he won a Super Bowl with (Mike Holmgren is Browns GM) makes this a viable option. But fans would much rather watch QB Colt McCoy run for his life 16 times a year…

Pittsburgh Steelers: Already have a QB with odd last name, questionable character and a tendency to throw INTs who is YOUNGER. Defending AFC champs. Never happening.

Baltimore Ravens: Sadly for Ravens fans, Baltimore will be the last team to realize Joe Flacco is….JOE FLACCO…otherwise a possibility. But a hit from LB Ray Lewis in practice would KILL HIM. So this is out.

Cincinnati Bengals: They make the Bills look like a Hawaiian vacation…

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts: Peyton. Manning.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Just drafted a QB, and said QB (Blaine Gabbert) already has a father, so no need for Brett here.

Houston Texans: Matt Schaub is a top 10 NFL QB, and unless Brett can play corner, the Texans don’t need him.

Tennessee Titans: Just released QB of the future (Vince Young). Also parted ways with the only NFL coach who looks good in lady’s sunglasses (Jeff Fisher)…and I think the new head coach discourages throwing into triple coverage, so the Music City is out.

AFC West
Kansas City Chiefs: Matt Cassell used to back up Matt Leinart and Tom Brady, so if he added Brett Favre to the list he could go down as the best backup ever..? But, I doubt he wants to, so no BBQ for you Brett.

San Diego Chargers: Although they’ve won close to NOTHING, Phillip Rivers is arguably a Top 5 NFL QB, no need for the jeans model in SoCal.

Actually Al Davis, not a goblin in Raiders gear

Oakland Raiders: Signing Brett would make Al Davis the second oldest man/goblin in the franchise for the first time in history. And Al is all about himself, so I don’t see Oakland bringing in the aging one.

Denver Broncos: Timothy. Richard. Tebow. Oh..and Kyle Orton too.. But I think current Broncos Executive VP, John Elway, would love giving Brett grief about that Super Bowl XXXII victory. Still a no.


NFC East
Washington Redskins: QB Donovan McNabb may be on his way out, owner Daniel Snyder will throw money at anything that moves (see Albert Haynesworth)…But, I don’t think Brett wants to try and pass the dreaded “Mike Shanahan Conditioning Test” (see Albert Haynesworth)

Philadelphia Eagles: Sometimes it seems like Michael Vick is just CHASING HIS OWN TAIL with all that running around…Favre would be BARKING up the wrong tree ...But, Coach Andy Reid and Favre used to have regular POW WOWs as members of the Packers….okay I’m out of dog jokes. They have Kevin Kolb, although they may trade him…but if Brett went to Philly, one would assume Vick would be on a SHORT LEASH….

Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo is really good..The Cowboys and their fans promise. Except as a holder, big game quarterback and decision maker…But he’s paid too much, and Jon Kitna played great in his absence last season.

New York Giants: Eli Manning beat Favre head to head in the 2008 NFC Title game in Brett’s last game as a Packer. No way he goes to New York’s other team.

NFC North
Minnesota Vikings: Professor Childress is gone, so I don’t see any more recon sense missions down to Hattiesburg to bring Brett back. A 6-10 season, a broken dome, time to start over in Minny..without the Silver Fox.

Green Bay Packers: Defending Super Bowl Champs. Unless Super Bowl MVP, QB Aaron Rodgers, suffers a career ending or life threatening injury Brett won’t be a Packer (and he’d be the prime suspect if something happened to Rodgers anyway.)

Chicago Bears: Similar to Pittsburgh, already has a young quarterback, odd last name, with a..love for....er...tendency to throw INTs at critical points in games. But you never know when QB Jay Cutler’s knee may force him out of a game..or marriage..

Detroit Lions: Young and talented team trying to change the way the franchise is thought of. I emphasize YOUNG.

NFC South
New Orleans Saints: Drew. Brees.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: QB Josh Freeman has become one of the league’s bright young QB’s, and pirate ships scare Brett.

Carolina Panthers: QB Jimmy Clausen and # 1 Overall Pick QB Cam Newton may have as much talent combined as Brett’s left hand, but the Panthers could turn their QB Controversy into a reality TV Series, “Year of the Defensive Back”.

Atlanta Falcons: 13-3 best record in the NFC last season, first round loss. One or two players away..but not at QB. (See Matt Ryan or Matty Ice)

NFC West:

See what I mean about the hands?

San Francisco 49ers: Brett has bigger hands then Alex Smith..meaning….he can grip the ball better, but drafting Nevada QB, Colin Kaepernick, indicates Brett won’t be going to the city by the bay.

Arizona Cardinals: Brett likes to smile, but the Cardinals frown on smiling (see Derek Anderson)..indications are that Arizona will sign Hasselbeck, Kolb, McNabb, or Young.

Seattle Seahawks: first sub .500 team to make the playoffs in NFL history (7-9), Matt Hasselbeck is on his way out. But, just signed former Favre back up Tavaris Jackson and former Pete Carroll USC QB and ballroom dancer extraordinaire Matt Leinart..sorry Brett.

St. Louis Rams: After Sam Bradford’s break out rookie season, the only thing stopping the former Oklahoma Sooner is a BCS Bowl Game…

Brett, I think I’ve made my point….at least for this season…

The Big Faker

   With NBA players locked out, the month of July is unusually slow as far as NBA news goes. Gone are the days of trade rumors, free agent signings and “Decisions”. In Los Angeles things are more quiet than normal,  some might even call them silent…(Minus that whole Carmageddon nonsense..) This being the first off season in three years the home team (Lakers NOT Clippers) failed to at least make the NBA Finals. Sure, Angelinos can spend their days on Rodeo Drive star gazing…But why compete with TMZ photogs for parking and a glance at C list celebrities, when you can see a HUGE star at your local market?

   And by HUGE star, I mean Andrew Bynum, and by local I mean Playa Del Ray…and good luck finding parking…at least if Bynum has anything to say about it.

Courtesy of NBC 4..Bynum grocery shopping

   You see, NBC 4 recently obtained photos that show Bynum’s black BMW double parked across two handicap spots at a Playa Del Ray market. NBC 4 confronted Bynum and he reportedly slammed the door and drove off. (The fastest he’s moved in years.)
   This wouldn’t be a problem if it were anytime between October and June…Because anyone that follows the Lakers knows Bynum is handicapped during some OR ALL of those months. (He has spent much of his six-year NBA career in a wheelchair or on crutches due to his numerous knee injuries.) Worse than the fact Bynum doesn’t know HOW or WHERE to park…this isn’t the first time the Lakers Center (for now) was seen parking in handicapped spaces. (A $353 ticket)
   The LA Times' T.J. Simers received an e-mailed photo in May from a reader catching Bynum in the act of parking across a white-and-blue painted handicapped space in front of a blue handicapped sign outside a Bank of America in Playa del Rey.
   This raises a few serious questions….Does the 23-year-old really think he’s handicapped? If so, why has he spent his career trying to cripple NBA players..thus increasing the handicapped population and make finding a handicapped spot more difficult? (ie. J.J. Barea) It’s funny I never heard this story when the Lakers were WINNING.(Charlie Sheen voice) If you’re the Lakers front office, how do you feel that your center thinks he’s handicapped? I bet Dwight Howard doesn’t park in handicapped spots....
   Assuming Bynum parks in handicapped spots out of convenience…Is this guy really worth $15 million if he’s too lazy to park with the “common folk” and walk a few extra steps to his destination? Partying at the Playboy Mansion two years ago while rehabbing his knee during a Lakers’ road trip was bad. His behavior in Game 4 of the Western Conference Semi Finals against the Dallas Mavericks was appalling. But, parking in handicapped spots, while unacceptable, is just who he is….
   Instead of making his predictable forced apology, wouldn’t this be more fun?


Tracy Morgan (left) & Andrew Bynum (right)



“Look, I park in handicapped spots because I drive a nice car…I don’t want some idiot to dent my BMW. I’m seven feet tall, so do you really have a problem!? It’s not my fault. And anyway, who would you rather have at center…Gasol? Do you know how much money I’m worth? I mean Kobe doesn’t care where I park; as long as I don’t talk when he’s talking everything is cool…Phil used to park in handicap spots all the time and nobody cared. Is this because I look like Tracy Morgan?”

Sadly, I don’t see that happening. Maybe we can put an end to all of this by

A.) The Lakers trade him for Dwight Howard or anyone else (preferred choice)

B.) The DMV expands handicap parking to, expectant mothers, those that ARE handicap, AND people that think they are too important to FOLLOW THE LAW.

There problem solved, you’re welcome Los Angeles!

MLB Second Half Surprises

   With a 5-1 victory last night in the 82nd installment of the Major League Baseball All Star Game, the National League secured home field advantage in the World Series because that seems to be the only way to prevent ties…. But thanks to Bud Selig we won’t have to worry about the World Series till Thanksgiving.
   Instead, it’s time to look toward the second half of the MLB season, and what fans can expect from the guys with the bats, balls and gloves….

New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter will take the rest of the regular season off citing physical, mental and emotional fatigue…(and who could blame him for spending more time with Minka Kelly)

"I am your father." Ugh..wrong movie..

New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez will take the rest of the regular season off citing physical, mental and emotional fatigue because Jeter did it...

Arnold Schwarzenegger will admit he fathered a son on October 16, 1992…and named him…Bryce Harper…

Roger Clemens will win 20 games in the State Penitentiary League…
San Francisco Giants closer Brian Wilson’s beard will become a fire hazard…and save 10 games…

Jealous of all the attention Philadelphia Phillies pitchers, Cole Hamels, Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay and Roy Oswalt receive…the rest of the Phillies roster goes on strike.

The Houston Astros try to rename the franchise “Los Angeles Clippers”, in an attempt to explain why they keep losing.

Broke Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt won’t have the money to pay the electric bill, forcing the Dodgers to play all home games during the day…(which could save him some money on security..)

Toronto Blue Jays OF and MLB HR leader, Jose Bautista, “Won’t want to talk about the past.” And where have we heard that before…

Arizona Senator John Mccain will deport all players of Latin origin from the Arizona Diamondbacks…forcing the Dbacks to forfeit the remainder of their games.

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim become the Anaheim Angels..again, leading the Rally Monkey to seek therapy for an identity crisis..

Colorado Rockies Manager Jim Tracy is seen drinking a Bud Light and immediately fired…(see Coors Field)

Major League Baseball Hitters will lockout the pitchers in hopes Robinson Cano’s dad will have to pitch to them..(see HR Derby)

The Pittsburgh Pirates will realize they ARE NOT the 1927 Yankees, and are actually the Pittsburgh Pirates.


The Chicago Cubs know they are the Chicago Cubs..and that’s insulting enough.

Oakland A’s GM Billy Beane asks Jennifer Aniston to marry him…(see MoneyBall and Brad Pitt)

Minnesota Twins DH Jim Thome will hit career HR # 600, and then testify in front of Congress.

Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will learn to speak English..(okay he won’t, but I’m rooting for him!)

The Kansas City Royals try and drown themselves in the fountain at Kauffman Stadium..but are unsuccessful at that as well.

A locked out LeBron James will take his talents to Cleveland in October for a playoff push, and the Cleveland Indians will turn him down…“WE SAW THE 2011 NBA FINALS..NO THANKS! (Font courtesy of Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert.)



Heath Bell at the 2011 All Star Game

 San Diego Padres closer Heath Bell will do a remix of former Charger RB LaDanian Tomlinson’s hit youtube video“Electric Slide”
St. Louis Cardinals LF Matt Holliday loses a fly ball due to a distraction in right field, “I swear I saw Elvis.” (see Cardinals RF Lance Berkman)

The Tampa Bay Rays will move to Montreal after a border war erupts between Tampa and St. Pete…while CF B.J. Upton still won’t care..about anything.

Former Cincinnati Reds great Pete Rose is quoted, “If I played for these Reds, I never would have bet on baseball, EVER!”

The Atlanta Braves take retired manager Bobby Cox’ car keys away, because he keeps showing up at the ballpark claiming he’s the Braves manager.

The Milwaukee Brewers trade two beers and a bratwurst to be named later to the New York Mets for closer Francisco Rodriguez….and the Mets accept!

Baltimore Orioles OF Adam Jones is arrested…just because everyone named Adam Jones seems to get arrested nowadays..(see Adam Pacman Jones)

The Boston Red Sox win the 2011 World series, forcing Jimmy Fallon and Ben Affleck to make another movie.(making everyone else with eyes and ears the loser)

A Ringing Headache

The most coveted ring in Texas was returned to its rightful owner yesterday near Houston. A Super Bowl ring you ask?...No way..I said Texas, what teams in Texas do you know of that have won any Super Bowls lately?

However, the ring did belong to a member of the Dallas Cowboys, wide receiver Roy Williams. Although the Cowboys and Williams in particular had a disappointing 2010 season, the former Longhorn made the most expensive reception of his life yesterday in Houston.  A $76,000 reception to be precise, let me explain..

Roy Williams, pre-breakup 

Williams is not dating or engaged to a Kardashian, explaining why he hasn’t won a championship…but he had been dating a former Miss Texas, Brooke Daniels, for close to a year. In February Williams had some free time on his hands (see Dallas Cowboys) and Brooke had some extra space on hers. So, Roy decided that marriage was the only reasonable thing to do. And like most guys, he wanted the moment to be right when he proposed.

After selecting a $76,000 ring (somewhere Kris Humphries-Kardashian is laughing and crying.) he brainstormed the best way to pop the question.

Ring in the champagne or dessert? Nah, way over done. Carriage ride, mariachi band and stroll in the park? He went to Texas, so he doesn’t like carriages or wagons (see rival Oklahoma Sooners mascot). Stadium proposal on the big screen? Former Texas QB Colt McCoy already did that.

Williams was clueless, and isn’t that what got former Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips fired? But then it him!

After recording a marriage proposal, he grabbed a manila envelope and a postage stamp (amazed at how high the cost of postage is in this country) Williams dropped the recording and the $76,000 RING IN THE PACKAGE and MAILED THEM to Daniels, days before Valentine’s Day.

SURPRISINGLY…Daniels didn’t appreciate Cassanova’s effort and declined his proposal, leading to a messy break up.  Daniels promised she would mail the ring back to Williams…what she forgot to mention is she would have FEMA mail it back for her…
After months of waiting for his wedding ring, Williams recently filed a lawsuit against the beauty queen claiming she had stolen his ring. (Roger Clemens thinks this case is a waste of tax payer dollars…)
Thankfully Daniels' mother stepped in and tells reporters that the ring was returned to Williams’ attorney yesterday.
The lovely couple aside, this whole ordeal could have been avoided if Roy wasn’t living in the 19th century.
MAILING A RING? WHO MAILS ANYTHING NOWADAYS?

Brooke Daniels, not a fan of US Mail

That’s like using a fax, or carrying a pager…Williams could have written on Brooke’s facebook wall, or if he wanted to keep it private, sent her a message. And added a :) at the end. The two of them could change their relationship statuses to engaged and all would have been well.

Maybe Brooke and Roy think facebook is outdated, okay then use Twitter…(not MySpace, sorry Justin Timberlake)
@RoyWilliams11: @BrookeDaniels “Roses are red violets are blue, I want to spend the rest of my life with you..” #willyoumarryme?
How could that fail? Instead Roy must pick up the pieces of his shattered relationship and wait for the NFL lockout to end. On the bright side though, when the 2011 season concludes (assuming it happens) he will finish it with a ring…