Happy Groundhog Month

   After 4 1/2 months, the NFL Lockout met the same fate as Jennifer Lopez’ many marriages…it ended. Owners will receive 53% of the revenue to the players 47% (and thankfully the infamous Yankee, Yogi Berra, wasn’t negotiating..) and fans will still get 0…But some fans will tell you it’s still worth it to get a day away from the wife and kids every week.
   NFL franchises now face the challenging task of signing free agents and making cuts to rosters, all while getting ready for Week 1 of the season. (September 11th)
   However, the biggest news following the termination of the Lockout is the NFL will not miss its version of Groundhog Day. And the NFL’s version of Punxsutawney Phil NEVER disappoints.


NOT Albert Haynesworth

   Of course I’m talking about Brett Lorenzo Favre (Punxsutawney Phil) and the, “Will he or won’t he come back to play again” specualtion (Groundhog Day in the NFL).
   On the same day NFL personnel hinted at the end of the Lockout, rumors surfaced that Brett may return to back up Michael Vick in Philly. The Eagles QB even tweeted about the matter, saying he would welcome Favre (but deleted the tweet soon after).
   Instead of waiting for Ed Werder and Rachel Nichols to camp out in Hattiesburg Mississippi, looking for Favre’s shadow or pick up truck…lets examine why # 4 should remain a jeans model AND RETIRED FROM FOOTBALL!

LAST SEASON: 11 TDs 19 INTs, 60.6 Compl %, 69.9 QB rating

Concussions, alleged sexting (see Jenn Sterger), broken bones, voicemails (see Jenn Sterger), masseuses, end to consecutive games streak, Vikings 6-10

Okay Brett, if you’re STILL not convinced, I’ll go team by team. (Because I know the Ol’ Gunslinger is a frequent reader of Vlahos' Voice)

AFC East
New England Patriots: Tom. Brady.

Miami Dolphins: Old people do like to retire in Florida, so he'd already be in the state…QB Chad Henne is serviceable, 7-9 season. Play the Patriots twice a year, so no.

New York Jets: been there done (sexted, harassed allegedly) that…(see 2008 season)

Buffalo Bills: (see Terrell Owens)…Brett would be better off playing for those high school teams he always practices with.

AFC North

Kinda says it all...

Cleveland Browns: This one is interesting because he is the anti- Lebron James. As opposed to James, Brett NEVER QUITS. Playing for the only coach he won a Super Bowl with (Mike Holmgren is Browns GM) makes this a viable option. But fans would much rather watch QB Colt McCoy run for his life 16 times a year…

Pittsburgh Steelers: Already have a QB with odd last name, questionable character and a tendency to throw INTs who is YOUNGER. Defending AFC champs. Never happening.

Baltimore Ravens: Sadly for Ravens fans, Baltimore will be the last team to realize Joe Flacco is….JOE FLACCO…otherwise a possibility. But a hit from LB Ray Lewis in practice would KILL HIM. So this is out.

Cincinnati Bengals: They make the Bills look like a Hawaiian vacation…

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts: Peyton. Manning.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Just drafted a QB, and said QB (Blaine Gabbert) already has a father, so no need for Brett here.

Houston Texans: Matt Schaub is a top 10 NFL QB, and unless Brett can play corner, the Texans don’t need him.

Tennessee Titans: Just released QB of the future (Vince Young). Also parted ways with the only NFL coach who looks good in lady’s sunglasses (Jeff Fisher)…and I think the new head coach discourages throwing into triple coverage, so the Music City is out.

AFC West
Kansas City Chiefs: Matt Cassell used to back up Matt Leinart and Tom Brady, so if he added Brett Favre to the list he could go down as the best backup ever..? But, I doubt he wants to, so no BBQ for you Brett.

San Diego Chargers: Although they’ve won close to NOTHING, Phillip Rivers is arguably a Top 5 NFL QB, no need for the jeans model in SoCal.

Actually Al Davis, not a goblin in Raiders gear

Oakland Raiders: Signing Brett would make Al Davis the second oldest man/goblin in the franchise for the first time in history. And Al is all about himself, so I don’t see Oakland bringing in the aging one.

Denver Broncos: Timothy. Richard. Tebow. Oh..and Kyle Orton too.. But I think current Broncos Executive VP, John Elway, would love giving Brett grief about that Super Bowl XXXII victory. Still a no.


NFC East
Washington Redskins: QB Donovan McNabb may be on his way out, owner Daniel Snyder will throw money at anything that moves (see Albert Haynesworth)…But, I don’t think Brett wants to try and pass the dreaded “Mike Shanahan Conditioning Test” (see Albert Haynesworth)

Philadelphia Eagles: Sometimes it seems like Michael Vick is just CHASING HIS OWN TAIL with all that running around…Favre would be BARKING up the wrong tree ...But, Coach Andy Reid and Favre used to have regular POW WOWs as members of the Packers….okay I’m out of dog jokes. They have Kevin Kolb, although they may trade him…but if Brett went to Philly, one would assume Vick would be on a SHORT LEASH….

Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo is really good..The Cowboys and their fans promise. Except as a holder, big game quarterback and decision maker…But he’s paid too much, and Jon Kitna played great in his absence last season.

New York Giants: Eli Manning beat Favre head to head in the 2008 NFC Title game in Brett’s last game as a Packer. No way he goes to New York’s other team.

NFC North
Minnesota Vikings: Professor Childress is gone, so I don’t see any more recon sense missions down to Hattiesburg to bring Brett back. A 6-10 season, a broken dome, time to start over in Minny..without the Silver Fox.

Green Bay Packers: Defending Super Bowl Champs. Unless Super Bowl MVP, QB Aaron Rodgers, suffers a career ending or life threatening injury Brett won’t be a Packer (and he’d be the prime suspect if something happened to Rodgers anyway.)

Chicago Bears: Similar to Pittsburgh, already has a young quarterback, odd last name, with a..love for....er...tendency to throw INTs at critical points in games. But you never know when QB Jay Cutler’s knee may force him out of a game..or marriage..

Detroit Lions: Young and talented team trying to change the way the franchise is thought of. I emphasize YOUNG.

NFC South
New Orleans Saints: Drew. Brees.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: QB Josh Freeman has become one of the league’s bright young QB’s, and pirate ships scare Brett.

Carolina Panthers: QB Jimmy Clausen and # 1 Overall Pick QB Cam Newton may have as much talent combined as Brett’s left hand, but the Panthers could turn their QB Controversy into a reality TV Series, “Year of the Defensive Back”.

Atlanta Falcons: 13-3 best record in the NFC last season, first round loss. One or two players away..but not at QB. (See Matt Ryan or Matty Ice)

NFC West:

See what I mean about the hands?

San Francisco 49ers: Brett has bigger hands then Alex Smith..meaning….he can grip the ball better, but drafting Nevada QB, Colin Kaepernick, indicates Brett won’t be going to the city by the bay.

Arizona Cardinals: Brett likes to smile, but the Cardinals frown on smiling (see Derek Anderson)..indications are that Arizona will sign Hasselbeck, Kolb, McNabb, or Young.

Seattle Seahawks: first sub .500 team to make the playoffs in NFL history (7-9), Matt Hasselbeck is on his way out. But, just signed former Favre back up Tavaris Jackson and former Pete Carroll USC QB and ballroom dancer extraordinaire Matt Leinart..sorry Brett.

St. Louis Rams: After Sam Bradford’s break out rookie season, the only thing stopping the former Oklahoma Sooner is a BCS Bowl Game…

Brett, I think I’ve made my point….at least for this season…