MLB Second Half Surprises

   With a 5-1 victory last night in the 82nd installment of the Major League Baseball All Star Game, the National League secured home field advantage in the World Series because that seems to be the only way to prevent ties…. But thanks to Bud Selig we won’t have to worry about the World Series till Thanksgiving.
   Instead, it’s time to look toward the second half of the MLB season, and what fans can expect from the guys with the bats, balls and gloves….

New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter will take the rest of the regular season off citing physical, mental and emotional fatigue…(and who could blame him for spending more time with Minka Kelly)

"I am your father." Ugh..wrong movie..

New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez will take the rest of the regular season off citing physical, mental and emotional fatigue because Jeter did it...

Arnold Schwarzenegger will admit he fathered a son on October 16, 1992…and named him…Bryce Harper…

Roger Clemens will win 20 games in the State Penitentiary League…
San Francisco Giants closer Brian Wilson’s beard will become a fire hazard…and save 10 games…

Jealous of all the attention Philadelphia Phillies pitchers, Cole Hamels, Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay and Roy Oswalt receive…the rest of the Phillies roster goes on strike.

The Houston Astros try to rename the franchise “Los Angeles Clippers”, in an attempt to explain why they keep losing.

Broke Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt won’t have the money to pay the electric bill, forcing the Dodgers to play all home games during the day…(which could save him some money on security..)

Toronto Blue Jays OF and MLB HR leader, Jose Bautista, “Won’t want to talk about the past.” And where have we heard that before…

Arizona Senator John Mccain will deport all players of Latin origin from the Arizona Diamondbacks…forcing the Dbacks to forfeit the remainder of their games.

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim become the Anaheim Angels..again, leading the Rally Monkey to seek therapy for an identity crisis..

Colorado Rockies Manager Jim Tracy is seen drinking a Bud Light and immediately fired…(see Coors Field)

Major League Baseball Hitters will lockout the pitchers in hopes Robinson Cano’s dad will have to pitch to them..(see HR Derby)

The Pittsburgh Pirates will realize they ARE NOT the 1927 Yankees, and are actually the Pittsburgh Pirates.


The Chicago Cubs know they are the Chicago Cubs..and that’s insulting enough.

Oakland A’s GM Billy Beane asks Jennifer Aniston to marry him…(see MoneyBall and Brad Pitt)

Minnesota Twins DH Jim Thome will hit career HR # 600, and then testify in front of Congress.

Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will learn to speak English..(okay he won’t, but I’m rooting for him!)

The Kansas City Royals try and drown themselves in the fountain at Kauffman Stadium..but are unsuccessful at that as well.

A locked out LeBron James will take his talents to Cleveland in October for a playoff push, and the Cleveland Indians will turn him down…“WE SAW THE 2011 NBA FINALS..NO THANKS! (Font courtesy of Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert.)



Heath Bell at the 2011 All Star Game

 San Diego Padres closer Heath Bell will do a remix of former Charger RB LaDanian Tomlinson’s hit youtube video“Electric Slide”
St. Louis Cardinals LF Matt Holliday loses a fly ball due to a distraction in right field, “I swear I saw Elvis.” (see Cardinals RF Lance Berkman)

The Tampa Bay Rays will move to Montreal after a border war erupts between Tampa and St. Pete…while CF B.J. Upton still won’t care..about anything.

Former Cincinnati Reds great Pete Rose is quoted, “If I played for these Reds, I never would have bet on baseball, EVER!”

The Atlanta Braves take retired manager Bobby Cox’ car keys away, because he keeps showing up at the ballpark claiming he’s the Braves manager.

The Milwaukee Brewers trade two beers and a bratwurst to be named later to the New York Mets for closer Francisco Rodriguez….and the Mets accept!

Baltimore Orioles OF Adam Jones is arrested…just because everyone named Adam Jones seems to get arrested nowadays..(see Adam Pacman Jones)

The Boston Red Sox win the 2011 World series, forcing Jimmy Fallon and Ben Affleck to make another movie.(making everyone else with eyes and ears the loser)